I think I'm in a mood to moderate depressive episode. Since I started depakote I've been getting depressed about every other day but since Sunday it's been every day. Varying degrees of intensity. Sunday was the worst. Then I got my new job and I was better, but all I can think are negative thoughts. That I will fail, I'll make a fool of myself, I'll let down my supervisor who pushed to bring me back. These thoughts are normal for me as I don't really have any professional confidence in myself, but they don't usually affect my mood. I feel like they're coming from a depressed place.

My eating is still screwed up. It got better a couple of weeks ago when the depakote put me in a stable mood but now I'm back to barely eating anything. I've had coffee and protein shake today. I bought a bunch of frozen food for easy dinners at Trader Joe's because I can't imagine I'll be able to cook complicated meals next week. If this pattern continues I won't want to eat lunch but I'll bring something just in case.

I don't want to be like this. I have so much to do, new job, and my grad class is really work heavy. I have five assignments to do this week and it's only the first week. That's not a good sign.

I'm overwhelmed. Currently I'm laying on the couch even though the mess in here is driving me insane. I am not so depressed that I can't function so ina few minutes I'm going to get up and clean but I am afraid that's where this is headed.

I'm considering starting emsam again. Before this gets too bad. My pnurse won't agree, she's too afraid of mania. But from what I've researched depakote alone doesn't really work for depression. I have enough emsam for about six weeks, twice as long if I take it every other day like I was. It shouldn't make me manic if the depakote and vraylar do their jobs. I really think it would be best. I don't see my nurse again until oct 5 but I can leave a message for her and she will call me back next week sometime.

I just want to be stable again.