I'm sort of on certain precautions right now. I'm not allowed to be alone and I'm set to see my therapist twice a week now, I guess. He might bump it up to three times. I have a new shrink, too, so I can actually get somewhere with my meds since the last pdoc didn't seem to give a damn if I lived or died and just wanted money. I see the new one Tuesday. I have to do daily check-ins with my mom in the morning and at night. And finally, I'm not suppose to be the one in charge of my meds.

I'm stubborn and slightly prideful, so that last part isn't happening. I compromised and just made it so I have to have someone around when it's med time and I generally don't stay in the same room as my medications.

I've made a deal with myself, too. Whenever I get to a certain extreme (anxiety driven, hallucinations, SH or SI), I text my T. If he's available I'll talk to him. If he's not then I call my fiance or someone. Talk it out and let them actually help rather than me keeping them at a distance. It's really difficult for me to do this, if I'm being honest. I still have safe guard around things I won't tell anyone. Baby steps.

I also will try to be a little more active here and attempt to start jotting out my thoughts again. I noticed that when I stopped that, everything that was overwhelming became unbearable.

I'm still trying and I don't know why but I am. I don't have any hope that I'll get better. I really do believe that I'm doomed. I'm trying not to think about that right now. Big picture always screws me up. Like an AA program, I'm taking everything a moment at a time.