I thought about journaling but write/look at laptop all day for work and am sick of it. Need to get out of my head. If I only had a less mentally intensive job, I'd definitely do it.

So I saw my Pdoc this morning and remembered why I never got attached to him. Instead, I just tolerate him. He asked me if he was boring me (as he did on other occasions). I said no, I just don't feel well (physically). He wanted to know about my health issues and I told him and mentioned changing ADs. He kept acting impatient, such as when I was talking about my symptoms, he asked me to stop talking while he was typing in the computer (he types everything I say). He types the whole time I meet with him; this time one whole hour. And he pressured me to decide on the medication immediately--to say yes or no. I was trying to evaluate the potential side effects. This took literally only one minute, and he acted impatient again. At this point, and it was towards the end of session, I said "are you feeling frustrated"? He looked at me and said yes, actually I am. Why do you think that?

My automatic thought just blurted out--"because I haven't gotten better". He said in an annoying manner--yes, all these symptoms, no medical records, medication changes. He was asking me about my symptoms and I've never been asked by a psychiatrist for medical records before! I really wish I didn't say that and don't even think that now, but it just came out. I really feel that his aggravation was within himself. So I am vored and he is frustrated. Isnt it supposed to be the other way?

I want to say good riddens, but hardly any psych docs take insurance around here so I may just have to tolerate him. And no, it's not projective identification. It's his crap. Thinking back, he actually does bore me and I dread going to my appointments. Whereas my T provoked feelings of excitement in me. So no, I don't think I want to do therapy with him. No way!

Mostly have been blocking T out of my mind lately, but I do miss him. It was really hurtful how we ended. The session before the last was good, I wish I stopped then. But after telling him 2 sessions in a row that I had no money to continue, he still said, let's talk next week or let's continue this next week. No understanding that having no money can really mean having no money. My checking account was overdrawn.

I've been thinking of not returning to therapy, even when my condition gets better and I pay off medical bills. I might try accupuncture instead. Although I probably could have put a down payment on a house with what I've been paying for therapy. Although therapy helped, it didn't help for depression much, but I think if I was feeling better physically, I might not have depression. I learned a lot about myself, but I don't see the point in going for years on end. I think being attached to him made me want to go. I crave that connection. And feeling like a little girl. But that only comes out in certain circumstances, and he hasn't been drawing out that part of me lately anyway.