So one of my new Ts (aka new-pdoc aka male-t)... I told him that my SH has gotten like an order of magnitude worse*.

I guess maybe I was hoping he would express sadness or dismay or concern... that he would seem to give a s#it. But he just asked a few follow-up questions (when, where, how), said "maybe this is something you need to do right now" and moved on.

(Yes, yes, I know: it's likely that this is one of those t things--he was Normalizing and Not Rewarding Self-Destructive Behaviour or Using Reverse Psychology or God knows what else. Intellectually I get it, but it still didn't feel great... because to me the fact that it's taking increasing amounts of SH to control my distress is yet another sign that I am really unwell right now, a sign that I need more support that I'm getting. I have already said these things directly to him and to female-t but they haven't f#%cking DONE anything about it and I thought maybe just maybe this would get a response out of him. That isn't why I escalated the SH in the first place... but I thought maybe it could have a silver lining.)

I didn't tell him that his response made me feel worse (it's hard for me to think on the spot in therapy) but I did tell him a related truth which is that a part of me holds onto the hope that if I get sick enough, someone will swoop in and save me... but having that hope makes me worry about how much of my depression and related behaviour is volitional.

Y'all I just feel so so awful all the time these days

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