Hi Sky.... nice to see you here. I think you are right about the need to surrender. Over and over again I might add. Surrender to the peace of the unknown. Surrender to the authority above me. Surrender my intellect that my spirit may minister to my emotions. Hard concept for me to grasp after a life time of learning to stand on my own in the world.

I need to surrender again and again from new directions and in new circumstances to avoid relying on old habits and thought patterns. That's one place I find ceremony to be helpful. The repetition of ritual has a leveling effect on me. Doing things without thought but from the heart has a calming effecting. Helps me put aside the backward thinking to let spirit guide me instead. Even knowing that truth and experiencing the benefits of routine rituals I struggle maintaining routines in my life. I know it as a source of healing and empowerment but I still get kind of clostraphobic by routines. I get parinoid that I'm being controlled when I stick to a routine. Working 'regular' hours causes me to feel like a robot. Warped thinking I know. Perhaps a topic for another discussion.

Thanks for sharing about your own endeavors Sky. You are always an inspiration. I think you are onto something important. To understand the effects of trauma on our faith, our closeness to God is worthy of examination.

I guess for me there was the initial sense of being forsaken by God whenever I'd get too sick to function. Being abandoned to the effects of my trauma, my illness, my distress. I thought I was beyond hope and unfixable. By stating my desires and surrendering them to God my provider I am usually able to restore my faith and rest in the waiting. By acknowledging my pain and giving it over to God my healer I am able to believe and recieve the healings.

In many ways it is the effects of the traumas that bring me closer to God. The distress sends me into communion with God my comforter. The pain sends me searching for comfort and God is always there for me.

What I am seeking to be reminded of now is the God of hope beyond survival. I've been limiting myself because of my illness. I've let go of those things that stir the passion in me. I fear triggering mania so I avoid things that might excite me, energize me, capture me, engage me. Fearing the joys of mania has trapped me in what is feeling like an endless episode of depression. I need to be willing to feel the joy again without fearing it will spin me out of control.

I trust God to comfort me in my suffering but I'm discovering that I'm not as trusting of God to protect me from myself. I can rest in God's presence, I can receive his love in my quiet places and I can hear God's calling in my scary places. I can loose myself in his Word and I can loose myself in our communions. Yet I'm aware that I'm not so trusting that I will at the moment of truth allow God to pull me back if I go too far from those safe places. That lack of trust, faith, has caused me to retreat too far into the safety of knowing and resting in God's love to carry me through my days and nights. I exist, I survive but I don't live. Not in the way my heart aches to live out my purpose.

I'm seeking now to challenge my fears. I'm ready to trust God to walk me in balance and harmony with the universe. Trust God to help me when I'm speeding up and loosing control of my thinking. Help me to not obsess or become compulsive or panic with urgency. To not get caught in familar patterns and behaviours. To know God more in every part of my being... for my healing and for God's glory.

In His Way, by His Way and for His Creation.

Blessing to you Sky