This is probably rather silly to post about considering everyone else's problems here at the moment, which i do read but for some reason go away from because my words just feel so pitiful - yet i wanted to explain why this is so.

I've had depression on and off since i was 12, but only really realised this 5 years ago. I have what psychiatrists call resistant agitated depression - whatever that it! I have had yrs when i was so depressed i did nothing but the absolute minimum. But of course i have had times where i have only been hit for a month of so and then after some self-indulgence got on with life. I must have done ok considering i'm in my last yr at uni. But a few months ago i started a horrendous spiral into depression which went further down than i could ever imagine was possible. The pain was immense, and i continued to struggle on but the thoughts of suicide became complete and possible. I'm not writing this for drama, just simply to explain the debth i was at.

Anyway to cut a long story short i went to the emergency room and saw a pdoc who gave me stronger anti-depressants etc. So now i am back in a mechanical lull. I say this because i do believe i am simply coping even though i appear and do feel fairly light at times. I dont know if anyone saw my other post recently when i expressed feeling as though i was in 2 halfs but the depressed side of me rarely has a chance to come out. But when it does come out, i remember the pain and it is as though i am back there. It is as though the pain during that time has affected me so much that when i think about that time i am right back in that moment. It is so horrendous - no words will ever be able to do it justice.

This has never happened to me before. I'm not really able to really move forward because i remember that darkness and it is still more that i can manage. This is why i say i am living in a mechanical lull. The void hurt me so much i don't think i can turn around and look away competely. Has anyone else experienced this and if so is there a way to almost, come to terms with what has happened?

I just wanted to explain too why i don't post on here much. Sometimes reading the words others write fills me with so much anquish for them as i know that nothing(!!) i can say can change that darkness and that is difficult to handle. I just never ever want me or anyone else in the entire world to feel that amount of pain ever again. It frightens me so much.