Immediately afterwards, I feel like the worst person to ever live. Looking into my family and friends' eyes... it kills me.

The support afterwards annoys me. I ticks me off beyond belief. I understand where they're all coming from and I respect that, so I generally keep my anger to myself. I don't like being under constant watch. I don't like constant check-ins. And I hate always being asked, "How are you doing, really?" because it's always accompanied by pitiful eyes. I don't like being pitied.

At the same time, I do have a couple people whom I know won't do that and those are the people I go to for my issues.

One thing that really hurts right now, as I just left the hospital before the doctor felt I was 'safe' enough, is how everyone is acting. It's as if they're all preparing for my death. None of them believe I will survive it. My fiance tells me he believes in me, that I can fight this, and that's something. I also believe on his own level, he's preparing to come home to find me stiff. I haven't believed in myself for a long time and now no one else does, too.

I feel like a lost cause. And it ****ing hurts.