Hi, everyone,

I'm hoping I've posted to the correct sub-forum. (I'm new here, so please tell me, if not.) In any case, my title says it all, but I'll write a little more so as to explain my situation.

Long story short, I'm sixteen years old, and I've had what I thought was 'depression' for four years, now. I attempted suicide earlier this summer, and was hospitalized and diagnosed with major depression and GAD. I'm stabilized on medication (Cipralex) now and will be seeing a therapist as early as October, but I haven't been able to get rid of the suicide ideation. To further complicate things, I'm starting to doubt that I'm depressed.

Without going into too much detail, I used to spend a large amount of time crying, and feeling that I'm a complete and utter failure. While I still feel, deep down, that I'm a failure (largely because I'll have to take a semester off school), I'm no longer as upset as I once was. It's hard to explain, really. I just feel ... empty. I'm not sure if I'm 'numb' and this is a sign of depression, or if I'm just going crazy.

Whatever the case, I feel immensely guilty, because I'm suicidal and yet there are many, many people out there who are worse off than I am - and who aren't. I've lost my appetite, and I no longer have the energy (or patience) to read, or write, or do whatever it is that I used to enjoy, but it's not a struggle to get out of bed, it's not a struggle to get rid of unwanted thoughts. I don't feel that I'm "sinking in quicksand," or however else depression is described. Not anymore. I'm just ... here.

Like I said, though, the suicidal thoughts haven't gone away. I'm not sure if I'm actively suicidal at this point - some times I am, some times I'm not - but I'm always thinking. What if I hike to a bridge and jump off? What if I steer my car into a ditch? What if I take all my medication at once? And on and on ... While I've talked to my parents about these thoughts, I'm not comfortable doing so. My father has had depression in the past, but he never contemplated suicide, and he doesn't understand. (When he drove me to the hospital, he kept telling me how "selfish" and "stupid" I am.) My mother has never had depression and, while I know she's trying, I'm scaring her. I'm terrified to talk to either of them. I feel they won't "get" me; I fear they'll bring me to the hospital again (though, admittedly, that might be where I need to be).

I've just reached the point where I feel so helpless and alone. I don't have anyone to talk to (and, honestly, I don't want to talk to anyone). It's a struggle to put a smile on my face, to stop staring into space, to silence the 'what if's'. And everyone around me knows it. As a result, I feel like such a burden. I fear that I'll never be normal, that I'll never stop feeling 'nothing'. I don't know what to do.

I'm convinced that I'm not depressed, though. In fact, I'm starting to worry that I'm going crazy. (I mean, is it possible that I'm making this up? (Maybe what I've written isn't accurate ... I don't know ... ) Am I doing this to myself?) There are moments, no matter how brief, when I feel relieved, even happy. Therefore, if I have depression, it's most likely mild. Right?

TL;DR. I'm stuck in a rut, and I think I'm being dramatic and/or going crazy. I don't know what to do about this, and I'm starting to think that death is the only way out. Is this 'normal'? Or does it sound like I have depression? (Or something else?)

If you've made it this far, I appreciate it. Apologies in advance for the length and rush-ed-ness of this post, and thank you.

- Singin' In the Rain