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Old Sep 02, 2017, 01:57 PM
Anonymous55499
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Oh, RoboT...

He commented on the sweatshirt I was wearing. Wanted to hear the story behind it. It was difficult to talk about since it is representative of failed dreams and I'm having a milestone birthday in 2 weeks.

Then he asked how I was, told him this week has been crap. How it all culminated in what happened at school yesterday. We talked about it briefly, but not much to process since I knew why I felt the way I did.

Then he asked what else happened since I described that incident as the icing on the cake. I told him what happened with H and I the other day. He asked if I felt comfortable in sharing what it was that had triggered me, and I wasn't. Just that something H did hurt and it made me feel unsafe. T asked if H and I talked about it, and we did. That I felt bad because H deserves better than my mess. T commented that it was good to hear that I was the one who initiated, and part of corrective experiences is that there is inherent risk. That he hoped I'd be willing to try again even though it didn't go well that time.

What, then, he asked. I told him how the same night my bio mom had requested to be my friend on Facebook. How it made me sad, guilty because she was reaching out and I wasn't responding. He was going to recommend writing a letter and not sending it. I told him that I did that a month or two ago. That I didn't remember when, but after I cut all ties.

I said that part of my concern was that there was no way to heal my hurts. That I probably never attached to my mom. So how do I get better?

He sighed and said there was no good answer to that. I said I wasn't looking for answers, but in a way I guess I am. He wanted to challenge me on the no attachment thing. He asked if I knew of any pictures where my mother was holding me as a baby. I think there might be one or two, but I haven't seen my baby book in probably a decade.

Then I started talking about the guilt surrounding my mother. How I'm the bad guy because she's trying now, but how at the slightest conflict that I cut and run. That he'd experienced that dynamic with me.

He said, okay, you brought me up as an example, so let's go there. When we had our blowout a few weeks ago, it seemed to me like you were feeling the end coming, and so you were trying to run. Is that what you're saying?

I got mad. "No, I feel like there were legitimate concerns that I had that led me to do what I did." Now I was probably also motivated in part by our looming termination, but to say it was just that negates any role that he played in what happened. Which is not okay. I told him that I was just trying to accept the reasons he gave me for why he did what he did and letting go of the anger. So let's move on. He said okay.

So I said again that anything outside of an ideal relationship is terrifying. That I have to run. He said, well, that kind of goes in line with what you said a few weeks about BPD, which he immediately qualified by saying "not that I'm saying you are." I told him that it didn't matter to me what he thought, but that I found it interesting that he chose to say that he wasn't saying I was, but not what he thought. He said he thought his opinion was irrelevant.

Then I mused that it's interesting how I don't do this with every relationship I have. I don't always cut and run. I've never tried to do that with my dad. That I defended him whenever people brought up concerns about him or what kind of parent he was (I thought about you, Luc, as we were having this conversation). That it was easier to devalue my mother because she didn't even meet the minimum requirements of a parent. But that my dad was more gray. He will always be there for me when things are really bad, but that some of the things he did were even worse than things my mother did.

Trigger for sui
Possible trigger:


T was pretty upset by that. That I was crying out for help and that my dad fought it. I told T that my dad is very anti psychology, and that he thought all of my issues were purely attention seeking. And I told T that there were elements of it that were, but l also...

T interrupted and said that it was also because of pain. That you're in so much pain that you want it to end. And sometimes it can be both. "I'm hurting, someone please help me."

And in that moment I realized that's what I wanted from T 3 weeks ago. That perhaps I wasn't at serious risk, but that I need help. More than what he was giving me.

T saw that I had thought of something. He asked what. I said I wasn't willing to talk about it. I was upset that he couldn't see or didn't acknowledge what was going on.

So I guess I'm not fully over our recent rupture. That was the end of the session, but as he walked me out, he asked if it was okay if he booked me through the end of December now. I sighed and said sure. Because even though I've been deeply hurt by him over the last couple of months, I made a promise to myself to ride this out to its conclusion.

But it's so hard.
Hugs from:
chihirochild, Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, satsuma
Thanks for this!
Lemoncake