You're being too hard on yourself....it's been two years since my husband died and I still think about that awful morning. Not nearly as often now but five weeks is not that long. You can't expect all the rage to dissipate in just five weeks.

Once you find a t and have someone to talk to it will get easier. It will get easier with time as well even if you don't have a t.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. No one deserves this hell. But you WILL make it through.