Well finally seen a psych doctor who has temporarily diagnosed me with having anxiety with depression disorder, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. The Bipolar, depression with anxiety I've been told are 100%.

Lately all I feel is emptiness, I'm awake all night constantly crying, the sleeping pills the GP gave me for one week only didn't work and I had bad reaction to them. I just constantly feel used, feel abused in some aspects; feel alone, feel like there is no one I can talk to (especially feel like I got no one who won't throw my problems back at me when they are suffering a depressive melt down), feel like no one cares, I want my wife to be back but can't have her back cause she died nearly a year ago (she was the only one who truly understood and cared no matter what she was going through herself), basically I just want to give up and die.

Then tonight my mum has a depressive melt down blaming my grandfather, brothers and me for her feeling the way she does and she wants to die, she don't want to be here anymore. I had 20 minutes to get my arse out of bed, pack my bits I need like medication (part from antipsychotics cause the psych doctor took me off them and not given anything to replace them), get a taxi with what little money I had left, try to explain to 4 police officers to leave and I will be able to calm mum down, but no can't listen to me can they and because of that mum cuts her wrist open yet again.

So damn annoyed at trying to get the right help for myself and for my mum and getting no where, so damn annoyed at trying to get better but not working out for me at all. So damn annoyed at just trying to keep myself alive for the sake of my mum and grandfather yet mum feels that taking her own life isn't selfish but necessary for my brothers to finally grow up and leave her alone (my brothers are 31 and 27, I'm only 23 yet I'm the only one who has my own place and lives alone with 2 cats).

Sorry for ranting, but I can't go on being bipolar, and suffering with severe health problems like fibromyalgia and deal with mum and help her all the time with my grandfather when I can't even look out my window at the world without feeling suffocated by my own mind and demons when the times of the year change and which changes me too