I think I understand that fear. At least some of it. I'm pretty open with the people I'm close to, but there are a few things I've done to myself in the past (in the realm of SH) that I had kept to myself, and I can't figure out why. I feared there was some deliberate attempt in my brain to remain in a broken state too.

I wonder, do you feel like it's part of your identity, maybe? Or maybe because the destructive things you do are some of the few things that bring you comfort (even if it's short-lived comfort), and telling others would mean putting a stop to it?

I don't know. I won't presume to know what you're going through , but it really made me think about the possibility of unconsciously wanting to remain this way, and the fear of losing some part of ourselves, because it's all we feel like we have.

Stay safe, please.