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Thankfully I am coming at this subject from a totally opposite side of the fence which is equally as sad when you think about the price I've paid for my point of view.
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The price I paid throughout childhood allows me to not have to worry about giving power over to a therapist because I don't trust him at all really...
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The price I paid in order to not have your problem was just as painful and has lasted a lifetime.
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but I never blindly trust anything he says without doing my own research and sitting down and coming to my own conclusion of what he is saying.
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I should tell you-in the beginning, researched everything too, read everything about psychology i could get my hands on. it didnt protect me! That control fizzles away eventually..as intellectualizing is a defense mechanism. It stops working eventually...
Zoi, i think you're being too hard on yourself though, ironically is a trait which goes along with counterdependence. I relate as i struggle with lingering aspects from when i was in that state.
Like here today mentioned, these are unconscious defenses originating from childhood. Reminds me of the self acceptance im still lacking. One thing i am convinced of is times when my T accepts me, I accept myself. Likewise, when he rejects me, i feel self hate. A big part of all this stuff. And he didn't accept me when i was at my worst, needed him most, which really triggered core issues.
Being hard on ourselves, beating ourselves up is self hate, too. I think acceptance is a huge factor in these power dynamics. I cant see how i can accept myself unkess he accepts me. At the same time, a therapists acceptance is part of how therapy is supposed to work.
Paying a price is kind of like self punishment, the opposite of love. Maybe you 'paid' too much already.