It was such a mind ****.

She'd get sucked into our issues, prob had some counter transference, and then would back out of and put therapist face on. So, when I brought up the patterns I noticed, she denied it.

At one point, after I had divulged my attachment to her, I pointed out a pattern I noticed: when she became uncomfortable w/my feelings of attachment, she'd get super clinical...the polar opposite of what she usually was. She used her clinician side to keep me at bay and it threw me off. When I told her thi, she denied it, "I'm always clinical, you just don't see it and I show it when appropriate." Yeah, that's why she always acted like that when we talked about my attachment and I could feel the discomfort from her towards me. I felt like crap. I watered down my feelings to not push her away or be too much.

our last session was this weird side to her I had never seen: it was like she was a robot. No matter what I said, I was met with a cheery "okay." I didn't know who the **** I was talking to and it was hard to watch. I sat there, debating about asking her...knowing she'd just chalk it up to her clinician side. She broke character only to tell me she didn't want to lose me, she wanted to keep me, and that she was having to discuss me and our relationship in her personal therapy. She was reacting to me standing up to her. Then, the mask came back on: okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Cheery, leveled voice no matter what we discussed,
from my attachment to her, to a phone call earlier in the week, to our billing situation.

I felt off my footing. Being so attached to her, I noticed everything. She felt unsafe and trust went out the window. There I was being very honest and laying my feelings on the line, and she's using her "clinical demeanor" when she saw fit, weaving out of her regular self and back to keeping me at arms length. She had admitted to me I was a person she could be herself around and see her for who she was when she wasn't on the clock.

I don't think she did it to hurt me, intentionally, but the attachment plus that seriously felt crazy making. It felt like ****.
It never felt good.