|
Sep 03, 2017, 07:03 AM
|
|
|
|
Member Since: May 2015
Location: Brazil
Posts: 20
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by delanceyst
I don't think there is even a choice there. Nobody would choose depression over mania. I'd rather spend all of my money and hurt my relationships, than die. Because at least there is a chance you can fix what was done during mania. But you cannot undo suicide.
|
Actually it depends on how mania and depression plays out for each person. I'm not sure I can fix everything that I did during mania or the trauma it caused me. While suicidal thoughts constantly come back having to live with depression, it seems they have been there at least since I was 13 so I just learnt how to hear it, struggle and eventually dismiss it, until it comes back. But this is just me.
Possible trigger:
I realize it's not the same for everyone. During mania, the full blown mania, I put my life in danger in much worse ways and still had the desire of killing myself, much more intensified so. While manic there was no stop for my destructive behavior and anyone in the way would be beaten terribly(even though I'm the most calm and pacific person and had never got into a fight before). It was like having this destructive monster inside taking all decisions to kill you and you standing by in the passenger's seat, watching, unable to control or do anything. I tried to jump from a window, run in the streets who knows where, probably trying to get hit by cars, got knives while thinking about cutting my wrists, I broke at least two 2 glass door with my fists and feet, trashed my whole bedroom, trying to drag a huge dresser to fall into me to severely injure myself. The ones that tried to protect me, to stop me from actually doing it were the ones who had to deal with this manic violence. It was like, "get out of the way and let me kill her". But with depression, despite all the sadness and slowness, failing cognitive capabilities I'm still able not to harm myself. I don't miss mania at all. 
If I was alone during any of these manic episodes I'd probably be dead by now. Probably dead 11 years ago.
When I'm really low I kinda wish that I had so I wouldn't have to deal with all this. But in a way my old self has died already. You simply are not the same anymore, you can't ever be the same after things like these.
|