Even that is a choice though. Due to severe childhood abuse and neglect I am very very attached to my therapist ( I mean, also because we have worked together for 5 years and she is awesome but that childhood need set me up to form the attachment )

I recognized that rejection from her sent me reeling, tbat I could not respond to her in a mature way . I have a great life that I enjoy despite definitely having issues i need to get through, but I was distracted from my life by drama with my T. I got more upset fighting with her than with my wife.

That became a focus of my therapy. WHY was it like that??

That brought me in touch with a ton of stuff...my unmet needs starting from birth, the primal intensity of loss, how I gave all my own power to my mother in an attempt to placate her rage.

And finally we got to the deeply buried fantasy that is i am only lovable, good, successful, thin enough there will be someone who DOES want to be my mom, someone who will save me from the pain and loss and abuse and loneliness.

THAT was why my T had so much power over me. It's not my T who really has it . It's MY fantasy, where I have cast her in the role of mother, that holds the power over me.

This is hard, excruciating work. I am in the midst of taking apart the mother fantasy now, realizing I have lived my entire life waiting for the moment when someone else will love me like that, discounting the love i do have because it's not that love, refusing to love or support myself until I earn that mother love, believing like my real mother did that if I can not earn that love I deserve death

Sometimes facing that feels like someone is ripping my heart out whole. I want to return to the fantasy, to my dangerous coping mechanisms, to thoughts of duo, etc.

It's horrible, but when I'm not wresting with it I am happier and healthier than I have ever been.

And as ihave faced the fantasy, the truth, my Ts hold on me has lessened.

The power was always mine, and i chose to give it away. Yes I made that choice as a child. But no matter how helpless or child like I feel.in my T relationship I am NOT a child but an adult with agency and power. It had to be my choice to face why i gave my T so much power.

I think the power always lies in us
However not all Ts are trained to do that sort of deep work and it can get seriously screwed up even when you are trying to face it. That I don't have an answer for. But i do believe that at the core we hold all the power in our own lives as adults.