Quote:
Originally Posted by Bjørnen
I think I understand that fear. At least some of it. I'm pretty open with the people I'm close to, but there are a few things I've done to myself in the past (in the realm of SH) that I had kept to myself, and I can't figure out why. I feared there was some deliberate attempt in my brain to remain in a broken state too.
I wonder, do you feel like it's part of your identity, maybe? Or maybe because the destructive things you do are some of the few things that bring you comfort (even if it's short-lived comfort), and telling others would mean putting a stop to it?
I don't know. I won't presume to know what you're going through  , but it really made me think about the possibility of unconsciously wanting to remain this way, and the fear of losing some part of ourselves, because it's all we feel like we have.
Stay safe, please. |
I feel like you're pretty spot-on, that I'm afraid to let go of my depression because it's me. I've never been much of a happy person, and I often suspect that things started long before I realized. Lately I've been so focused on getting my insurance going so I can get back into therapy, but I'm scared to. I'm afraid that I've been resistant to it in the past, which is why none of the meds I've tried helped.
I know a lot of the destructive things I do are for comfort.
Trigger warning on this part, but a lot of what I see as destructive is my drug use. I have some use that's more frequent and I don't feel like that's as bad, but very rarely we get "harder" drugs that I can admit to myself that I'm addicted to. I can't turn them down, not because I'm addicted but because I feel so much better when I use them.