I'm still evaluating some ties...

I've always been in one place, and I don't want to move. But I've had to stop going some places to avoid seeing my moms husband (abuser). Everything's changed so quickly. a lot places that used to hold good memories, now seem threatening. I've thought about starting over somewhere. The thought is peaceful and refreshing; but in my case, I'd be throwing the baby out with the bath water. I'm stuck here, and I just wish my mom and her foul husband would MOVE far away.

I feel the best when I realize I don't have to compromise or "work" around certain people's beliefs and behaviors anymore. I can turn away from a heavy, dysfunctional past towards a healthy bright "now"

Still though, I have moments of intense anger, where I imagine screaming into the roar of an ocean. Also, my ego gets to me, about the misconceptions put out into the family by my mother. People know better, you would think, but i even had to follow up with my brother with some truth. I can't believe he believed her, even for a moment. I guess that's what bonding does, and fear. My mom lies to save face, and to justify her betrayal. What does a mother owe her child and grandchildren? She wasn't willing to pay the price of leaving her pervert husband. Its shocking, because she always claimed to love us so much. On the other hand it's not shocking because she has always been brainwashed and in abusive relationships...living with no self esteem. An example of her general thinking: Once when my son was talking very inappropriately mean and insultingly to his much younger sister, my mom said nothing..in fact she agreed with him it seemed. I corrected him, and had him apologize. All was well, but then my mom starts rubbing his back to console him, like he had been treated unfairly. I asked her why she was doing that when he was the one who had been bullying...she said "I just think boys deserve more empathy than girls." This is the sick way she thinks, and it's not exactly a result of "culture," it's the result of her being used by perverts her whole life. If what her husband does/did doesn't wake her up...nothing will!!! She's dangerous in her world of denial. At any rate, she is an obstacle between other family members and myself. I don't like knowing they likely see or speak to her (though not her husband). It makes me not want to speak to them. I understand they worry about her, have history, etc.
I'm evaluating who and what is worth the risk??

I'm just heartbroken. I'm hurt. I am resilient and a fighter, and I seek peace and harmony. I'm still expressing myself, in healthy ways, which is the right steps.

I have to accept that my family was never healthy and safe. My mom doesn't love me. One year ago, I told my aunt that my mom doesn't love me...my aunt put a lot of energy into trying to convince me that my mom does love me. Why??? That's not love! That's nothing like love. Why do people insist that horrible behavior and betrayal is love?? It's sick! My aunt must've thought she was consoling me, but really she was devaluing my worth.

Anyway. Long rant. Lotta hot air. Don't care.