This isn't something I can talk to my therapist about but I need to vent somewhere.

My earliest memories are of me being introduced to sex. Adults in the house would do it in font of me on the couch, in the kitchen, leave the doors open for me to walk in so that they could laugh at my reaction. Analysing it now, I think it was a turn on for them to be caught or something, you know how some people like to do it in public because of that 'risk factor' of being caught. Well, as a child, I was so confused as to what I was seeing until I fully learnt in sex ed what it actually was. I'd get so mad -- I'd throw things, slam doors and scream but they'd find it absolutely hilarious. Around this time, I was introduced to masturbation by myself having discovered that it felt 'different' to deliberately touch that part of me because of what I saw.

Anyway, there was only one thing that would arouse me growing up that these adults would do in front of me and it followed me through my teens and now into my early adulthood. It's the ONLY thing that arouses me, which I thought I was okay with but upon further investigation it stems from what happened back then and although it instantly arouses me I feel so repulsed just because of the origins of my ''fetish''.

I feel so angry at these people for ruining my sex life and relationships however we're okay now. They don't do it in front of me anymore but the memories are like yesterday.

If I ever masturbate -- which I'm gradually reducing -- it's only when I use the toilet. I'll be going about my day at home when something reminds me of this ''fetish'' which subconsciously triggers these disgusting memories. It creates this horrible gut feeling in my bowels that feels like I.B.S (which I'm familiar with due to stress). When I'm aroused, I feel light headed, get wobbly legs and experience irritable bowels.

I think this is because I'd react with so much anger and rage as a child to what I was seeing, which caused my stress induced I.B.S as a teenager.

But this is what makes it difficult. I don't think they fully understand how traumatic it was yet we continue our dynamic like everything is okay -- which it is, except for my memories of back then. Had this all been introduced to me later on by people who aren't so close to me, I'd not have this problem at all.

I worry any possible future intimacy with a partner is ruined because during my first kiss, I very nearly passed out; not because of how good it was but the sickness I felt. I was so light headed I contemplated in my head whether it was wise to follow through with what was happening in case I went into shock.

I feel so robbed of so many things at the hands of people I love and worship. It's hard to express how I feel to them because of how close we are and how we're okay now.