Quote:
Originally Posted by here today
With these posts, and others in this thread, it seems like you're conscious of your situation and your dilemma. How can we offer more support? Do you need encouragement and validation as you develop strength and practice owning your own power now? I'm impressed how you've asked for help, taken what is helpful to you, and discarded what isn't. Do you see your exercise of power in that? I do.
You gave it away. He wasn't worth it. Now, you have now and the next days going forward. Yes, there is grief. But, I have known people in support groups, unfortunately, who I don't think even made it this far. So, congratulations and best wishes going forward!!
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Funny you asked what I needed...
I mentioned having a good 2nd to the last session, then a bad last session. Well I told him what I needed-I asked him if he could say something kind to me so it didn't have to end as traumatically. He said because he now felt coerced, he couldn't do that. That was the last we spoke.
The thing it seems like no one understands is-I only feel powerless now from being attached to him. It feels like a dissociated part of me that emerged. I know therapy is supposed to reflect our patterns, but I swear I never felt 'powerless' until therapy. Looking back, it's as if the purpose of the therapy with him was to make me powerless, to break me. Like the example before-I made myself vulnerable, told him what I needed, and he decided not to be kind to me. It seems like our whole therapy was like that. Now I have no money for new therapy and can't get out of this state.
It was painful leaving like that-his last words were basically that he didn't have it in him to be kind to me. I just thinking of ways to drop off the face of the earth. I feel like there's a knife digging out my heart. It's like I deserve no humanity. I don't understand why he'd leave me like this. Why he couldn't just say something kind and leaving it like that. That's what i mean-how much he effects me. Then people come along and say I am choosing to feel this. No one understands that. He knew how much it would hurt me and still does it. That makes it hurt 10 times more.