I'm once again feeling the urge to disappear. Once or twice a year I stop going to meetings because of depression & paranoia. This wouldn't be a big problem except for the fact that I have a key to the Alano Club & I'm sometimes the only one who has a key to open up for meetings. In addition, this past "safe time," I was calling a lot of people in the program to prevent me from disappearing again. Now that I'm in a bad space again, I wish I hadn't called people so much. I'll be forced to ignore calls & texts, which seems rude. I don't worry about drinking again since I feel I've got Step 1 burned into my brain; I do worry about saying stupid crap at meetings, since I feel my social filters have been down lately (or that's just my paranoia working). I've talked about having bipolar disorder in the past, but this time around it will be more difficult disappearing since I have a key, two sponsees, & several phone contacts. I'm going to need to tick a lot of people off to "take care of myself" this time. I have an appointment with T tomorrow & an appointment with pdoc on the 13th. I'm feeling a need to adjust my attitude & meds.