You are really struggling with this & from my own experience, unless you go through this with a therapist/counsellor, you will stay the same. Yes, by going to a therapist it will most definitely open your can of worms & it will be a very hard journey. What will happen is that you will start to understand why you behave, think & feel as you do. You will have the opportunity to process the **** that you've carried. It won't magically go away, & what's more, if you don't deal with it, it will fester & grow. I feel that unless you are prepared to take a chance & open up about it, you will stay unhappy & unable to cope. You have already opened the can & you have already identified an issue. Be strong one last time & get some support.