So, all the communication issues I talked about in various threads here are going well. I decided not to tell him about anything, and sent him the outline with some sentiment that I am looking forward to working with him, and invited him to suggest other communication strategies if he wanted.

I think that on some level I am feeling guilty over doing the thesis and don't feel that I deserve to do it, especially because I "defied" what feels like the entire department in doing so. I guess I am very scared of authority. I'm still waiting to be punished. This is exacerbating my issues with communicating with male professors. I am realizing I've never done well with them. Also, I'm just very self conscious over things I should be over already, such as my male professor having a perpetual quizzical/awkward gaze, when he looks at people. When he looked at me it reminded me of being yelled at for making a face at my mother. I wasn't making a face, so this taught me I have a scary face. So I felt like I was being mean to my professor and I didn't know how to fix that.

It's not that my thesis advisor is mean, he's actually a very nice person, which is why I want to communicate with him more so that I can feel less afraid of this environment.

Also, I don't know why "I can't speak about my thesis" translates to "I can't think freely about my thesis".

Also, I feel weird about going to the counseling center to discuss something like this because it's an actual problem. But I will.

The fact is that my thesis advisor said my proposal was the best in years and was more well developed than any other ones. I don't think he would lie. Maybe he would exaggerate. But that still means he thought it was good and worthwhile.