I have to assume that most women my age have learned the lesson I learned today, at some point in their 20s or early 30s with men they have brief, long distant relationships with. Me? I'm nearly 50 and finally learned my lesson today.

A man I had a brief relationship with 20 years ago, that turned long distance, that he ended despite my best efforts, came back into my life 4 years ago by happenstance. I saw his Facebook profile on a friend's Facebook wall. So, I reached out to him and we reconnected. Over the past four years we met twice in person for a lunch and a dinner when he returned home to visit his family and friends here. He'd message me on Facebook asking if I was free for lunch or dinner. Other than that, he occasionally left nice comments on my Facebook wall about something I posted. But that was all. And that was fine.

What bothered me, was that we never had the discussion about our past. I didn't have the courage to ask him why he rejected me. He wrote it in a letter 20 years ago that he decided we're better off friends, but I felt like I deserved the truth, even though as we know with relationships, the truth often hurts. So, we never discussed our past relationship...ever. Until today.

In the 4 years of reconnecting, I never asked him when he'd be back in town because I didn't feel like it was my place to; I'm not his wife (he has one already) or his best pal (which he has plenty of, both genders). I'm just a casual acquaintance...a woman he slept with 20 years ago and dumped. Why did I think he'd ever look past that label, and see that I had more worth than that?

He deleted me today, when I saw a photo of him in town drinking at a local pub with friends that included two mutual friends of ours (who have no idea that he and I even know each other). Because I teased him with a message that i figured he stopped contacting me to get together when he was in town because he felt awkward about our last dinner (he flirted with me and complained to me about his 10 year marriage problems, and tried to feed me food from his dinner fork, which I rejected, no thanks you're married buddy).

He deleted me from Facebook and responded that he's so busy, so popular with so many people, always being contacted by his friends stateside to talk on the phone or make time to see them, that he doesn't have time for someone like me, sincerely, [his name].

I guess the point of this post is more a realization that my expectations with this man 20 years later were totally unrealistic; that because he friend-zoned me back then, then got married, it would be totally fine to just be regular friends. Nope, I guess that's not how it works in these situations. My mistake.

So, I feel pretty foolish. I shouldn't assume that just because a relationship doesn't work out, that a genuine, platonic friendship is possible. He never gave me the chance and so his rejection hurts my ego a little bit. Like, he's friends with all of these other brilliant women, but thinks I'm just not worth his time. Esp. our mutual friends who are women, whom he never had a relationship with (as far as I know). Because I feel like if we'd met as colleagues, or school friends, we would be real friends.

Can't men and women be friends after a relationship ends? Esp. if 20 years has passed? I assumed it was possible. I had no idea he'd so easily delete me from his life again, without acknowledging first that I had ever meant anything to him (which apparently, I do not).