I just finished the 2 week orientation at the my new job (in a hospital). The hospital is so huge and the layout such a chaotic maze (and me with no sense of direction) it's caused no end of anxiety. I see my colleagues, their relaxed demeanors, and am jealous and feel so so bad. It takes so much energy to hide anxiety -or the worst of it. And I'm exhausted. I feel down at work, because of all of this, and this is also so hard to hide.

I'm a Certified Spanish Medical Interpreter, so I interpret for Spanish-speaking patients all over the hospital, inpatients and outpatients.

I move on to per diem work now (I'm called in when needed and can refuse jobs if I want to, but I need to take as many as I can to make enough money) and it's scary. The money is in taking night and weekend shifts (where there's no one to help you, you're alone, no dispatcher or other interpreters, night interpreters work til 1:30am and weekend interpreters work 12-hour shifts. Both are responsible for the entire hospital). If I were to take these shifts it would be so nerve-wracking because I still don't know my way around, especially the ER, with it's 8 different areas, that don't make a lot of sense how they're laid out.

In short, I'm very very anxious and having a hard time hiding this from my co-workers and my boss. I feel so alone. I've even considered bringing Klonopin with me in case I need it, but it makes me a bit sleepy and I need to be wide awake...

I know this will get better with time, but I'm afraid of making terrible mistakes along the way. I've gotten lots of tours of the hospital and still have a very hard time finding my way around. I feel so bad. I feel stupid. My lack of sense of direction has come to bite me.

As has my back pain. I can't stand for very long without searing pain in my back. My last job, in California, was mostly outpatient so I could sit for much of the time. Not here. ER is pure standing as are inpatient encounters.

Sorry this is so long. The long and short of it, is my terrible anxiety and my ability to hide it. I wonder how others do it. It's so so hard. And it's starting to bring my mood down, more every day.