Okay. I think I'll go next.

Technically, obsessive anxiety is my root problem, but I'm more concerned about the depression it creates. When I'm anxious, I'm in survival mode, but when I'm depressed, I don't care about my wellbeing or safety, and I come dangerously close to making Irreversible Decisions, and inadvertently hurting the people that care about me.

I think my depressive states are kind of like a security blanket, if that makes sense. In a way, I prefer the emptiness, numbness, and sadness over the constant fear and catastrophic ruminations of anxiety. I welcome the "reprieve" of low energy and oversleeping, too. But, like I said, I'm prone to having self-destructive or self-neglectful thoughts and behaviors when I'm like this, so I'm not exactly ecstatic when my mood shifts over from anxiety to depression. Just...slightly relieved.

That said, I've done fairly well this summer, minus a few expected bumps along the way. I feel relatively okay now. But I'm starting to get nervous about the colder months. I have a way of finding (even seeking out) problems to obsess over in the winter, and if this year is going to be anything like the last four years, at some point between November and March, I'm going to be filling my days with compulsions until I drop from exhaustion at night, only to start again the next day. Eventually, I will give up on everything, and the feeling of giving up will be a perverse relief. "At least I don't care anymore."

When I signed up for PC in July, my main hope was to connect with a few people who could maybe hold me accountable in the winter months. I was hoping to befriend some people who would be the type to check in on me if I didn't show up after a few days (as I will certainly do for them). I feel like I've made those connections, and I'm extremely grateful for everyone here. My family does the best they can in supporting me, but there's that line they just can't cross. They don't "get it", and you all do.

Here's hoping this winter looks a little different than previous years. I'll take even a tiny improvement.

My love to you all.