I'm not sure I fully understand everything here as I'm not completely familiar with your story. I would like to read your other posts and give you a well thought out and helpful reply. But as I don't have much knowledge of more details, I want to remind you how often Depression lies to us

Are you saying your man told you to let him go? I think I'm missing something here I'm certainly familiar with depression, self hate and toxic shame

You feel that you didn't listen to the man you love And you think you caused ?

Also the accident is trauma and ... please give yourself some space to process this pain. I don't know you well but I don't want to lose you. I doubt very much if you're a horrible and deplorable person (I've been told I am by someone who took my father away but in my "saner" moments I know this is nothing but a lie )

I'm sorry if my reply is completely off

Thinking of you. Please be safe if you can