Yesterday was my second to last session with t. We started off talking about work. It was a very grounded, very adult conversation. It was nice to just talk with T adult to adult without being triggered for a bit. that hasn't happened much. T tried her best to impress on me how resilient and strong and functional I am. i guess I am highly functional compared to some.
After 20 minutes we started talking about the internal experiences a bit more. I became much more dissociated then and struggled to string words together. Some inner parts were very distressed and upset about the impending ending because it feels like they will never be free of our current circumstances. I think they see t as their only hope. They desperately want to tell t something. i don't know what it is, only that it is very big and painful and something that we as a system have been trying to work towards for a long time now. Its a thing that needs to be fixed or changed, but I don't know what it is and it is so overwhelming that it triggers sui intention. We are all well protected from it.
So that was there around the fringes, as well as protectors blocking it because it isn't appropriate now, it is too dangerous to open that up now at the end, there is no hope for it now.
So we discussed these three things as much as we were capable of coherently discussing anything... those parts of self (work parts) who have distanced themselves fully from the internal battle and are 100% okay and separate from the internal pain, those who are desperate distraught and see leaving t as the death of hope and the middle ones who shut down and block it all.
It is an impossible unsolvable dilemma. Near the end the hopeless suicidal ones we near the front so we tried to do a containment exercise but failed. Then we had to leave to go back to work.
The next session is our final one and i am thinking it will be better and easier for all to cancel it.