How is it that I can go from having a perfectly good night, to waking up the day and feeling like absolute crap the next afternoon?

I actually went out last night. Got myself dressed up, make-up and everything, and went downtown with two of my good friends that I haven’t seen in SO long. We had a good time, drinks and dancing, and I was feeling pretty good. I even had some guy (that I didn’t know) come up to me and tell me how beautiful he thought I looked – and then he walked away. So it was clear he wasn’t just trying to “hook up” with me, he just wanted to complement me. That NEVER happens – to anyone really. What are the chances some stranger complements you with no strings attached? Honestly…

Anyways, I’m off track. My point was that I had a really good night last night. Good right? You would think….

But even after ALL that, I still managed to have the most horrible dream. I was with my “mom” and she was all loving and comforting. Good right? Wrong… again. It was good until I woke up, and realized, that that’s all she will ever be to me now… a dream.

And yes I know, same old story, but god damnit I HATE that story with more passion than I do for anything else. It haunts me, and teases me, dangling something in front of me that I will never experience again … that feeling of safety and love. I HATE YOU STUPID SAFETY AND LOVE! And I hate her for making me feel that way because before I met her, I was perfectly happy without it. And just when I got a taste, just when I realised that there was actually good out there to offer me … it was gone just as fast.

I’m so angry and I don’t know what to do. Mostly, I hate myself for being like this. HATE myself for being this person who needs all that stupid affection business. HATE that I’m the type of person who scared this wonderful woman away by mentioning my SI … because she was the person I most trusted in all the world… because I was STUPID enough to do so.

Screw this. Screw her. I’m too screwed up to be fixed now.