Struggling tonight with some guilt over a decision I made this last January. I'm trying to forgive myself, as is the theme of this thread.

I decided to be proactive this winter when I was suffering from my usual seasonal difficulties, and signed up to be a volunteer for my local hospice. After taking care of my dying father in 2010, I realized I could handle being around terminally ill people, and since then I've been thinking that I should make myself useful to some people that really need it.

I think I jumped the gun, though. I went through the volunteer training, had my name tag created and laminated, and had the necessary blood tests to qualify. But that whole time, I was quietly getting worse, dealing with my own issues. In the end, I backed down, without so much as an email to the volunteer coordinator (I'm so sorry, Mary).

Thankfully, I was not yet on any schedule, and my not showing up did not cause any disruption what so ever. I'd like to think that, even at my worst, I'd have been more considerate in backing down if I were already taking shifts.

I still don't think it was a fear of being around the ill that stopped me, though I was naturally still a bit nervous about it. Mostly, I was terrified of not being able to set aside my own issues for even a few hours a week. In the end, I felt like I did not have the stability to commit, and I felt ashamed about it.

The thing that bothers me the most is that the volunteer coordinator is the kindest, sweetest lady. She was so pleased to have a male volunteer. She told me my type are rare, and that there were a number of clients who really needed another male to talk to in their final months, and that I was a wonderful human being for doing this. She was so supportive and understanding.

The thing is, I know she is exactly the type who would forgive me if I called her and explained to her my situation. Heck, knowing her, she probably already has forgiven me, without even knowing the details. I know I will contact her again. I may or may not be a volunteer in the future, but I will apologize. Just...not right now. I don't know what's blocking me from doing it. I may sometimes do irresponsible things like this (I've walked out of a few jobs without notice, too), but I try to make it right, even if it takes me forever.

So, I'm trying to go easy on myself. Nobody was inconvenienced by this. Nobody got hurt, just a little disappointed. And I will make it right. My intention was to take care of others, AND myself at the same time, but I couldn't juggle the two. I just need to step back, and have more reasonable expectations of myself. I don't need to dwell on this tonight.

And while we're on the topic of self support, I shouldn't be so self-conscious about how freaking long these posts of mine get.