I have been having a rough couple of weeks...
Monday Aug 28th Session
You came out to get me and we went back to your office. I closed the door on my way in. I came in and sat down. I didn't want to talk about me but can't talk about you.

I asked how you were? You said good and asked how I was. I said ... eh. You questioned and I said yeah, eh. I asked you how your weekend was and you paused and said uneventful. You asked about mine and I said hard. You asked if I had grandson and I said yes. I said it was hard to have the energy.

It seems like I turned to my list here and we came back to this stuff. So list, No updates on surgery or car. I told you about the couple's counselor and appointment week of 9/11. We'll see how it goes with him.

I said I had something to bring up about touch that we didn't cover the previous session and that was if you would bring it up when you made a decision or if you'd like me to periodically check in with you. You said that it was an excellent question. I said that I'd like to have you bring it up when you made a decision but to be aware of timing. You wanted to know how to tell about timing. I said not when I come in and saying that I had a hard weekend. I said it's going to be difficult either way in hearing your response so being in good space is preferred. You asked about me bringing it up and wondered this that ... I said if I should even ask. You brought up the concept of just setting a date in the future. I said if you want. I said I had no preferences here. I was very ... whatever you want about it. I asked You asked about saying something about wanting to talk about touch and giving me agency to decide when I was ready to talk about it. I again was ambivalent about it. Whatever, it is your preference.

I moved us on to wanting to talk about meds. We've never talked about meds so I didn't know how the conversation would go or what I even needed to say. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

We talked a lot about sleep. You wanted to know what my sleep was like at different times in my life, and now. You wanted me to tell you how I fell asleep. I answered your questions.

As this conversation wound down, I must have given off a nonverbal response indicating dissatisfaction because you asked me about being dissatisfied. I shrugged it off. I said I probably wouldn't go back to the sleep med people as they seemed to think that there wasn't excessive movement. You wanted to discuss this further and offered to contact them on my behalf. I again shrugged it off and said that I might check with KP Sleep Med once I get KP insurance. It was a platitude. I don't know what I was wanting from the conversation and ... I don't know. That was the sum of it. I don't know. I wanted you to make it better... no magic wand I know... still, I wanted you to wave it and make all the bad go away. Make it easy.

I don't remember the transition... or order of things from here to the end of the session. It got messy/ugly.

I told you about having no energy to put on the good face, feeling like being in quicksand. I remember telling you about not being connected to people and not able to find any..... with wife. You stated/asked if I still wanted to. I answered that I didn't know. I said but then again, last night before I went to bed I thought "I hate you'. It was more like "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" stomping/pacing in the office. You asked me if I could say more about that. I said that I can't trust me. I said just like wanting to tell Lea to just leave me alone, to go. You said something about cognitive ... yeah, I know these things are not what I want in the long run so I don't say them... but in the moment, in those moments, I'm drowning and I want everyone to go away, I don't want anyone around. Something was said that lead you ask if I was safe. I said yeah, mostly safe. You questioned the mostly safe. I wasn't talking. You said something about doing stuff not in my best interest. I said yes. You asked if I could keep myself alive, and I said yes, emphatically, yes. You accepted this response as I was safe, now that you knew what I meant by mostly safe. You said that you trust me.

Our time was almost up and I went to hand you the journal. You looked at the clock and sighed (or so it seemed). I was sitting there debating on doing the "I love you". I wasn't feeling it or was I. I wasn't sure. I looked up at you and I said thank you for creating a safe space for me. And I lost my grip on my emotions. I started crying. I returned to the statement about not being able to find wife. I about not having a place other than the 50 mins with you to talk about what’s going on for me there. The conversations was bouncy, incoherent, disjointed to some degree. I needed/wanted… I was stuck… hurting. I wanted to feel loved, protected – to be in someone’s arms to feel the touch of another person.

I looked about the room, looking for ... something... looking for a space... looking for an object... looking... I said that I needed, that you didn't have anything in the room, no corners. You asked about containment... I said no... hug. You said that I needed/wanted a hug so bad (?, maybe you said this). I nodded?. It felt like you moved closer to me. I didn't want a hug from you. Not then. Not there. Not in this way. I said some stuff... you said some stuff... filing cabinet, refrigerator. I said wife touches me ... but... ?? I was crying... I was not in good space. You asked if having something nearby would work. I paused, I wanted to say no, but I wanted to not feel like this and nearby might be the best I can get. I need to be able to put my head on it. It needs to be hard, prefer metal. I asked you if you had someone after me. You looked at the clock and paused and said yes. I asked/told you to hand me the tissue. I tucked/sucked it up. I paused, still debating on telling you the "I love you". I was feeling it again. I was feeling something other than painfully numb. I looked at you.

I said, "I love you"
You said, "I know. I know"
I said, "I miss you" or "I'll miss you" both are true.
You said, "I know"

Somewhere in the last section you said Hey to get my attention. I didn't hear you and asked you to repeat it. You said you said Hey.
Then you told me that I was important, very important to you. (maybe you didn't say very).

Also, somewhere in the session, I told you that I was tired of feeling this way and you asked me how long had I been feeling this way. I said that it seemed to be a series of things since vacation. You said that I have had a lot since then, choppy waters. I said that was why I wasn’t sure about the meds. Was it depression or just daily stresses of life. Is the depression making it harder to deal with daily stresses of life?

Here at the end you again said I was important (to you?)