Thurs Aug 31st
I pick up some from last session. I told you that I didn't remember the order of things and not sure if I remembered everything that was said. You said that it was a nonlinear time and that it was ok that I didn't remember everything.

One of the things I kept saying last session was that I couldn't find wife. But I wouldn't tell you what I meant. I told you that I can't find wife in my heart. You said inside me. I said yes. You asked if there were moments and I said yes I think small moments but then I start to wonder if I was just acting. We talked on this for a while and got looped to you asking me if there was something about wife that I would like you to change. I said that yeah, I'd like it if I bring something up, it could stay about me. You wanted to know what I meant and I said like here with you. You asked for an example and I told you about Tuesday morning and reiterated about the text she wrote that included the word divorce. You seemed to think my request was fair.

I brought up the hug part of the previous session and told you that I didn't want a hug from you last session and that if we ever hug, I don't want it to be in a situation like that. Of course you asked me what kind of situation and I said as equals. I clarified that when coherent. You asked if I meant like teammates and I said yes. Really what I was thinking was that I didn't want it to seem like I was using emotions to manipulate you into giving me a hug. While you might not have felt manipulated into it. I would have felt like I had done so, similar to the hand holding from before the move. I said that I thought the lack of feeling wife is played into the desire/need to feel held, human touch, and comfort.

I brought up saying "I love you" at the end of last session, how I was not feeling it then and had debated on saying it or not because routine/ritual verse feeling. I went to say it and the thank you for the safe space statement came out...from now here and then I fell apart. I told you that today I was feeling it a lot.

You asked me about how I was feeling the other day when I described feeling like 20-30's and not caring about what others thought of me. You wanted to know if I wanted to talk about it? I shrugged it off, I think I said sure and then, that I didn't know what to talk about with it. I was thinking that part isn't here right now. You dropped it. I would have talked about it had you asked me something specific.

I told you that I wasn’t feeling right in the head, that something was wrong again. I said that earlier my body felt heavy. You asked if it was heavy like when a body part falls asleep and feels like it weighs a lot. I said no, that it felt weighed down. I read to you what I wrote in my journal today:
“I just want to be in bed. I am putting on the good face but really. Can one smile and laugh and still be depressed? I feel like my laughter is crazy. What do I mean by that? Hmm that I am laughing at stuff that is not funny, not real … not even at something, just laughing. I don't feel right in my head, and I feel a little unsteady on my feet. I think it might be from the dentist numbing medicine but I think the laughter and sadness was there before the appointment. I am not laughing on the outside, it is just a smile. I am laughing on the inside. I am tired, very tired but not exhausted like yesterday. My body feels weighed down and heavy, and my brain/mind all fuzzy. I could sit and look at the wall and be fine. I rested my head against something this morning and it felt good, I don't even remember what it was or when it was, just that I did it and it felt good. In my shower this morning, I stood there for a long time, just letting the water run over me. Maybe it was in the shower that I did that. I sometimes do that in the shower. Something is not right with me, again. I feel like I just need a day or 2. I want to cry but no tears.”

You asked me if I could take a day or 2 off and what that would be like. I said I couldn’t, that I have too much to do right now, maybe in a week or 2 I could, but not right now. You asked what about a few hours. I said no, I’d feel too guilty. We talked more about the fuzzy in my head. I said that it was like thoughts are too quiet to be heard and just floating by. You said it sounded peaceful. I said it wasn’t really peaceful, it was more like they weren’t worth paying attention to…. More was said and you said like too much to care about them. I said yes. More was said then you made a comment about a college coach saying something about just keep rowing. I said that I didn’t feel like I was rowing or doing anything. This surprised you because I seem to be doing lots of things. I said that I felt like I was laying in the boat. And off we went on describing it… were we on a lake, river, ocean…. What was the sky like? I said that it was on a big body of water no land in sight, no waves, no sky. You said like floating or suspended. I said yes and got the image of the black… suspended in a wire or clear cube in the black (I didn’t tell you about that, it slightly vibrating/humming – lol, sound like being in a womb doesn’t it? Ok, what’s with the womb thing? you have said this more than once in reference to things I say).

I brought up you question at the end of last session about if a support object in close proximity would be enough. I said no; that I needed to be able to rest my head against it. You asked about if a wall would work and how you could move the chairs and table like we’ve done before. I was unsure about it. You asked if I wanted to give it a try and all I could do was shake my head no. I started to feel young, very young.

I told you that I stopped at the library on the way to session to look at books that were in the window. You seemed excited and… I think you asked if I got any books but then I don’t remember hearing you ask. I told you I didn’t get them. I told you that one of the books had cool pictures but I didn’t like the story that well. It was the book that called to me through the window. I said that I looked at another book called Ira is a pretty good friend (or something like that). I told you I read that book all the way through. I told you about the book. You said that you liked it. You said I lite up and smiled when telling the story. You asked me what it was like to read the book, was I fuzzy in my head then. I said no, I said that the world disappeared. You said something about me being in the book. I said yes.

I said that I realized that I was doing what I do when I am hiding something [ashamed of something], keeping a secret and doing it all alone where no one can see me (in regards to going to the library and looking at the books). You asked how I felt about keeping the secret. I said guilty because I’m not supposed to be looking at the books. You asked if I felt guilty for keeping the secret and I said no, for breaking the rules, not supposed to look at the books (I was feeling young still/again).

I said that it’s almost been a month. You said the tote. I said yes. You asked what I was going to do. I said I didn’t know, that I knew what I wanted to do but didn’t know what I would do. You asked me what it is I wanted to do, I said that I wanted to have my stuff back.

Our session time was almost up, my watch alarm had gone off warning me only 5 mins left of my 50 mins. Though I almost always go the full hour. I suck at leaving. I told you that I didn’t want to come today and for an illogical reason. You asked about it. I said that because I don’t get to see you on Monday because of holiday so I am seeing you very early Tuesday morning. And that if I came and saw you today that would mean it would be a long time before I got to see you again. You said that you didn’t think it was illogical. But had I not gone I wouldn’t have seen you for longer period of time (see such young thoughts, even writing it here, I can feel how little the voice and thoughts are around it). I told you I didn’t want to go. You said that leaving is hard. I think I nodded to this. I said I love you and you said I know. We breathed together. You said it is nice to breathe together. I was sad. I didn’t want to go. I knew I had to go, my time was up. I said I was scared. You said something about it being ok and understandable. Then I told you about game night that we are hosting on the 9th. I invited you the last time but you couldn’t make it because you was going to be out of town. I told you that I didn’t want you to come to game night but that I wanted to play games with you. You said we could. I said that we only get an hour, not much time. You said something about making time, I said unless we did a session at daily savings on the how that you move the clock back. Silly joke.

You asked about fantasy football. I said that I needed to still set up my league. You said you was just asking because it is almost football season and I hadn’t talked about it. At the time, I wondered if you were looking for an invite, but again I don’t want you there – it would be weird for me. Now I think you was just trying to assess my engagement in things I find pleasure in. Fantasy football is one of the things that go last in terms of losing interest in things one used to find pleasure it… in other words a way to judge my depression; which seems to be hanging out and around these days.