Tues Sept 5th
I had emailed you late last night stating that I was bringing in the tote. That I didn't know the purpose and .. here's the email:
Hello Dr. S,

I don't know if you will even see this before our session as we are meeting so early in the morning. I had a realization today and decided.. I ... I'm bringing the tote in tomorrow morning. At this moment, I am feeling very disconnected from it like it is stuff that belongs to someone else. So I don't know why I'm bringing it in, what I want from bringing it in, how to proceed with it... The purpose of this email is to give you the heads up as to what is coming and ... I don't know.

I'm having lots of different conflicting emotions about it right now. If you do get this before our session, please let me know that you got it.

Weirdly struggling - thoughts are all confusing, emotionally stable.

Love,
me

I almost signed it Thank you. It just felt like such an impersonal email. I didn't get a reply until you were in the office so right before I arrived. It was fine. I was not upset by this. You caught me in the front and asked if I wanted to bring the tote in the side door. I was whatever, sure, if not a problem, didn't want to traipse through someone else's space. You said you'd get the side door. I said look at new car. You said that you liked the color and was off to get the door. I was a little something by the little attention the new car got. Shrug - I moved on.

I carried the tote down the little stairs. You struggled to find the correct key and finally got the door open for me, I came in being careful not to hit anything as I carried the tote and had my back pack. I got into the waiting area and I called back to see if you were ready for me in your office, if I could go directly back. You said I could so I did. I got back into the office and sat the tote down a bit off to the side and sat my backpack down. I didn't have my notebook out so I had to get into my backpack to get it out.

You sat down and I asked about your weekend. I didn't ask you how you were, I think this was because I didn't want you to ask me how I was. I was disconnected, still and even more so. I hadn't slept much last night and was exhausted - physically, mentally, and emotionally. You said your weekend was good. You asked me how my on-call was. I said that it was quiet. I mentioned that it was every 3 weeks. You said something about 2 off 1 on. I said for now, that we are working on getting more people in the rotation.

I started to tell you about my walk on Monday and then I pulled out my journal entry and read to you what came through on my walk - about the tote, my beliefs and letting you be mommy. I told you that the realization that even though I still had some of the thoughts, I wasn't believing them and that meant to me that it was working, that what we were doing/how we were going about things was making changes in me - slowly. You agreed that it takes time. I told you that I felt that a big part of it was coming from the acceptance of all of me. I recognize that it takes time for the consistency of that acceptance.

I told you about feeling disconnected from the tote and not being sure about bringing it. That on the walk I felt it was the right thing to do but as the day progressed, I felt less sure about it. I said how it didn't feel like it belonged to me - the stuff inside didn't belong to me. I said that I was wondering why I even was bringing it in as you knew what was in it and I knew what was in it. I explained how the night progressed last night and by 7-8pm I was in a bad space about it. That the people I normally talk to were asleep. So I put out a feeler on the forum to find someone to talk to about it all and to get another opinion about bringing in the tote or not. I found someone that had somewhat been following my story and someone that I felt had a good understanding of the type of therapy we are doing and the purpose of this type of therapy. I did give them quick rundown as to what was going on just to refresh their memory about it all. Then I told her about how I was feeling towards the tote and my dilemma. The summation of that conversation was that I should bring the tote in precisely because of the disconnection feeling and to discuss and explore those feelings. So... I brought the tote in.

Then I sat there for a moment to give you some time to respond. You had made some comments when I was relaying the events; however, it was more to indicate that you were following and engaged rather than digging deeper. I don’t remember you asking about it or saying anything here. Maybe it was here that you asked something and I said something about the fantasy from Monday. I don’t think so though. I think we were talking about something and I started to tear up. You commented on that, and I said that I had the thought of sending the things to goodwill, that I had brought the tote in so I could take it to goodwill. You said that it seemed like I didn’t want to do that (or a part of me didn’t). No, I didn’t want to do that [I did have to keep reminding myself throughout the day that I didn’t want to do that.]

I told you about talking to wife last night. I told you that wife needs me to be different than how I was. I said that she wants me to be able to explore and she didn't want me to put away the tote, but at the same time she wants me to be different for her. That I think she doesn't want to be the type of person that tells their partner that they can't explore themselves. I reminded you about your statement before regarding ways to contain stuff so that when I leave I can be different. You asked me something about it that I don't remember. I tried to explain what I meant and couldn't say the words. As I stumbled over what I could say you understood it and said turning off the faucet. I said yeah.

I was talking about feeling so disconnected from it all when I brought up the shoes I was wearing. I told you that I dressed this way on purpose trying to bring out the feeling of the little boy. It didn’t work. I told you that I had these shoes for a very long time, since <store name> went out of business. You agreed that was a very long time ago. I said that when I was heavier they didn’t fit but they fit now. I told you about finding them in the store and just wanting them. That wife said I could have them but I didn’t think I should get them. They were so cute, I wanted them and I bought them. They lived in the closet for a very long time. You asked about how it felt/what it was like to see them in the closet. You know, “what it was like?” is no different than “how does that make you feel” . I tried to describe it. I struggled to find words. I finally came up with some or enough words. You did or said something that left me feeling like you understood what I was trying to say. Precious was all that was coming to mind; that in those moments that I saw them and pulled them out, they were precious to me. I also didn’t want to say that they touched the little boy. That he was there then and he wanted the shoes. I didn’t want to talk about the parts as parts for some reason today. It was as if I was trying to deny their existence as a separate part of me. I told you how Merrill makes cute shoes; however, they don’t fit me very well. You asked about this. I said that they are too narrow and they are stiff so I don’t feel safe/comfortable in the rain because I don’t have the sensation of gripping the ground with them.

Something made me smile, and you commented on my smile. I don't remember what I smiled about.

I didn’t have the alarm set on my watch so I looked at it to see what time it was. Time was almost up and we hadn't opened the tote. I had flash image of a desire/fantasy around the tote. Then I thought about the fantasy from Monday- more tears. I told you that I was thinking about fantasy but not what it was - you might have known what I was thinking. Something was said or done, that lead me to believe that you knew what I was talking about/thinking about. Today’s fantasy still involved touch, just the leading was not that far. I still wanted to reach out and take your hand and lead us/pull you to the tote.

I told you that wife saw the tote in the house. I said that at one point, that i had written about, wanting to open the tote with wife and share it with her. I said that I didn't want that yesterday (anymore) so I didn't share it with her.

I pulled the tote between us. I said that I didn’t know about you trying to lift it but I wanted you to try so that you had an understanding of how much it weighed. You leaned in and lifted it a little. You said that someone could pull their back with it. I told you that I put it up in the attic when she wasn't around and I pulled it down when she wasn't around. That I pulled it up the ladder and that getting it down was scary. The ceiling in the garage is 8-9 ft and we have this very tall ladder not attic stairs. I explained how I got it up and the struggles to try to get it down.

I opened the tote, commenting on the duct tape. On top where the pieces of paper of the letter and of the net. I told you that I had the net back, it was different but that I had ownership of it. I traced lines in the picture and then put both the letter and the picture aside. I pulled out the box of journals, I took out the notebook and touched the cover, rubbed my fingers over it. I put stuff back and closed the lid on the tote. I don't know if you noticed the book in the notebook and went to respond or if I showed it to you. It was pointed out to be in the notebook and you said finding treasure… treasure hunt?
You went to ask to touch the tote as I reached out my hand to take yours. I wanted touch, I almost asked if I could touch you - I have ... it is ok to shake your hand. You gripped and slightly shook my hand. I held your hand; not like holding hands, but holding the shake. You let me hold your hand, and touch you. After a bit, I moved your hand to the lid of the tote. I couldn't talk then, I couldn’t say the words that would let you know that it was ok to touch the lid of the tote. Afterwards, I wondered if you might think this was similar to leading. It wasn’t in my mind, me leading you to something. I was granting you permission, non-verbally.

I don't remember if I finished packing up or if I had already done so. I looked down and took some breaths. I looked up and whispered, I love you - almost mouthed it. Not sure why so quiet. You said I know. I said I'm scared. You said it is ok to be scared. You said something else too. You said you were here. I again whispered I love you. And you said I know. Lost, I picked up my stuff. You talked about Thursday and couldn't figure out the hours, but soon. I couldn't figure out the time either. You offered to let me go through the one office, I said that I could take the stairs or either, whichever. You went to check but couldn't tell. Some point in here I said I was strong. You said that I carried it up the ladder that I could do the stairs, then you offered and went to get the doors for me.

I think I said thank you at some point in the leaving. We did the little dance around the doors then I was standing out on the porch looking back at you. I again whispered I love you - - again and I know from you. I don't know why the many times today... lost, sad, hurting. You again made comments about seeing me soon.

I took the tote to the car and opened it up, I wanted the blanket. I took out the blanket and hugged it while it was in the plastic, I touched the train and the basketballs, then closed it back up; still keeping the blanket out.