Hi everyone,
I've had a series of major depressive episodes in the last three years or so, to the point that I was on short-term disability at my job for a few months twice. Just came back to work from the most recent episode. I have two mental health pros helping me: a therapist and a medication counselor (nurse practitioner).

This summer, after few months of sertraline and trazodone, I experienced serotonin syndrome. Thought I had Parkinson's disease, such was the irresistible nature of my tremors. Stopped both meds.

Have seen a few counselors in my life, and was never asked about manic episodes until two weeks ago. Was asked about times in my life where I needed little to no sleep, highly energized, racing thoughts, etc. Well that describes several years of my young adulthood and at least one months-long period in my recent life (I'm 41 y.o.).

Based on my response to the mania question, and my reaction to sertraline, the nurse practitioner diagnosed bipolar type 2. Things all added up for me: all the recklessness/impulsivity, racing thoughts, belief in my ultimate superiority (with no real evidence to remotely support that), need for seemingly no sleep, brilliant insights/ideas with no real follow-through or idea how to do so. This was a pattern of behavior for months/years in my teens/twenties and again a couple years ago (when I was on sertraline for the first time).

I don't what to do with myself. I have an appointment next week with both mental health pros, the therapist isn't so sure I am bipolar and I am supposed to register for some in-office 'assessments' to narrow the possibilities. I feel quite certain that I have bipolar 2, and I don't know what the future holds. My family depends on my salary (sole breadwinner with wife and two children). My wife has for years relied on me as her 'normalcy' as she has depression herself.

I'm struggling, as I have for a long time, to reconcile whether I have a mental illness or I am just a bad person who is fine but makes terrible choices repeatedly and suffers psychologically from the consequences.

Anyway, that's my quandary today. I feel some better having spread the word to this community and any response would be welcome. Thanks for reading.