I just realized how many people in my life whom I've mistakenly labeled as "friends" who were in fact, emotionally abusive to me.

1. They gaslight me, when I try to communicate that they said or did something that hurt my feelings, because they're more concerned with not feeling guilty about how they treated me like a doormat.

2. When I want to be direct and honest with these types of friends, I second guess myself because I know deep down that they'll just deflect and victim blame, not take me seriously, complete dismiss my feelings and ignore and disrespect my boundaries.

3. They don't listen to me when I want to share something exciting that happened. Or, if I ask them to be on-time or return my call, or respond to my email message or text message they won't. And if I ask them why they're ignoring my message or phone call, they'll deflect again, and blame me, rather than just admit they were acting like a jerk and apologize for hurting my feelings.

4. These types of emotionally-abusive friendships always have felt one-sided to me. I always make more effort with these people, to be a decent friend to them, than they make to be a decent friend to me. And instead of working out conflicts with me, they just state that the friendship is too much emotional work (such a b.s. excuse) so they wish me well (what a crock of **** that phrase is) and end the friendship via email.

It makes me realize that I am still attracting emotionally abusive people into my life as friends (since I no longer date). I went to therapy to develop the tools (assertiveness, strong boundaries, high self esteem) needed to fend off emotional abusers.

Clearly, I am not using those tools as well as I should be.

I'm pissed at myself. I don't know why I can't break this interpersonal pattern. I deserve to be involved with two-way friendships where the other person makes as much effort as I do, because they like and respect my feelings.

Where are these people and why can't I find them to befriend them? So far, I just attract the wrong types of friends into my life. This is really frustrating!!!