I'm not doing well with it today. I don't know how to classify it. Panic? Despair? Frustration? Obsessions? Intrusive thoughts? All of the above?

They tell me I'm not supposed to ask for reassurance, because that strengthens the harmful ritual of compulsion. It insures that I will have more frequent episodes in the future. That's what the science says, they tell me. Deep down, I believe them, so I will not ask for reassurance.

Instead, I guess I'll just try to wait this out, right here . It's been suggested before that I try to distract myself, but when I'm in the height of obsessive worries, distractions actually can make things worse. If I watch a movie, or play a game, or listen to music, the very fact that I'm not taking enjoyment in the activity makes me feel all the worse, and spawns a whole different set of "what-ifs" to worry about.

Reminder: this is bad today, but it's been worse.

Some make the decision to live their life one day at a time. Wise at it is, I feel like I was forced into this philosophy. It's just a survival strategy. The past hurts, and the future is terrifying. I enjoy planning for the future. But it gets carried away. Disaster is predicted. Can't cope. So living for today it is.

Just stop. STOP OBSESSING.

Or don't. I'm not supposed to be forceful with it. That will make it worse. How long has this been going on now? 4 hours? I need to get my house ready for a friend's visit. Why the hell, after almost a full month of manageable days, did this have to happen TODAY.

I'm just going to order pizza. No fancy cooking. I haven't cooked a meal since December. I miss cooking. But that's not for today.

Okay. I'm going to try to get through this tonight. Off I go.