.....has had me thinking ever since our conversation the other day.

I had a call out to him to set up my daughter's next appointment and he called me Tuesday morning. I discussed some things that have been going on with my daughter (both good and some potentially not so good) and he asked me if I had talked to her about something. I said no, because if I do she will get mad at me. He asked, Is it an issue if she gets mad at you? My answer was, "I don't know", but in reality, yes that is an issue and I've been thinking a lot about it and that is one of my main triggers. When someone is (or I think someone is) mad at me, I get very anxious and the unending catastrophic thinking starts and continues for hours, sometimes days, insomnia sets in or just broken sleep. I'm thinking about the issue when I go to sleep, I sometimes dream about the issue I wake up a couple hours later thinking about the issue, (repeat several times), get up for the day and it interferes with my day to day activities at home, at work, where ever I go. And then finally it will let off, or the person I think might be angry at me says something and I realize he or she wasn't angry, was just tire or stressed him or herself.

I wonder if this is my main trigger? My father was always mad at someone, at my mother, at me, at my brothers or sisters, or at a neighbor, friend or extended family member. When he was mad at someone outside of the immediate family he took it out on us and sometimes those turned out to be the worst incidents, especially when we were younger. Not understanding what we were doing wrong to be targeted, yelled at, screamed at, called names. Having to be quiet for hours, no talking, don't use the bathroom, don't turn on the water, sit there quietly because he's in a bad mood and if we interrupt his nap he will start in on someone. And if the baby (my youngest sister) should cry? "Shut that g@d d@amn baby up!".

Could this be the key to a lot of it? It's Thursday morning and this all has been running through my mind since Tuesday. I'm hoping writing it down breaks the cycle.