Hi everyone,

I just got back from being a few days. I thought everything would be better, being in a different setting. I thought maybe this Fall would be different, where I do not fall into a bad episode. I've proved myself wrong, that now I'm worse than I've been in a long time.

Every day, now multiple times per day, I have moments where I am not really "present".....I am experiencing hearing someone talk to me (usually someone I know), who isn't present, and I am talking back (but not out loud), and usually about something painful. My heart will race, and I am brought to tears. It feels so real when it happens.

This started happening occasionally for a couple of weeks, but it has gotten to a point that I am not fully about to "hide," myself. 2 relatives caught me and asked if I was okay and showed worry towards me, but it was embarrassing, this made me cry more and panic. There was no way I can explain this. I'm not sure if anyone else experienced anything similar during an episode??? It's scaring me.

I'm losing the ability to even be able to fully question my thoughts or test reality. There are frequently times I get random images of people I care about dying and losing my mind as a result.

I feel very much alone and find myself staying up at night, fearful that I will die in my sleep. The negative, anxious feelings are now turning into what might be paranoia? The thoughts are dark, and it's become very hard to get a grip on them. Of course, there's the racing thoughts. I am afraid to sleep tonight again. I have extra Seroquel pills that are 1 dose higher that I think my pdoc wouldn't mind me taking, but sometimes the thoughts take over convincing me that I can die if I up my dose. When those thoughts become so strong, it's hard to talk myself out of it, but I will try. It might help, if I take it, but I don't think that's the only answer. Tomorrow I'll call the pdoc, now that I am back home.

I'm at a loss at when this will all be over and how I am going to get out of this or how long this will take. I figured that I'd write here, since I really don't have anyone who could remotely understand or relate.