Sanity score 149
Autism score 38

I don't know how I get through each day, but so far each day I have managed to, even though some days I'm in pieces inside (sometimes outside too but I hide that) - I'm just really good at compartmentalising and since I don't really matter I can just focus on what needs to be done and do it - it's actually quite liberating.

My job is almost trivially easy in many respects - most of my mental energy is taken up dealing with people - I have to invest lots of energy into modelling other people's behaviour so I don't get stuff wrong. And stupidly I took on a career where I come into contact with people lots - I'm a University lecturer and a therapist (mental health professional for Christ sake!!) - a pretty successful one on the face of it - but every day I think someone's going to catch me out, I'm such a faker, I'm just a lie, there is no real me.

Really not sure where to go with this, I'm extremely depressed right now, feeling suicidal daily, and entertaining the possibility I might, after 56 years, actually be autistic is really scaring me. No one told me this but it all makes sense, I had no friends at school, my parents occasionally tried dragging me to kids houses that I had no idea who there were to make friends, I never made friends, never played with other kids, and still don't. I have no close friends, several superficial relationships, mainly through work and activities I make myself do to keep connected and active (because if I'm not active and don't have a structure of some sort I really don't cope well).