We got into the room and sat down. You put your sweatshirt on. I asked you how you were. You said better, good. You asked how I was, I said ok.

- I told you that I didn't have much to talk about. That might be why I ended up talking about a few things that I had held back. Anyway, I'm not sure of order so here is the best I remember it.

- I asked about vacation; you have 2 potential conferences Feb 14-18 (wed-sun) and June 22nd-24th (fri-sun). You have no plans for time off around memorial day this year. You figured after a bit you'd get into a routine and figure out some of those dates. You said like in 3 yrs... I said that I hope by then not to have your vacations cause me such problems. You thought it was a fine idea to align the vacations - to minimize disruptions. I feel like it is pathetic that I can't manage through you taking a vacation. Or maybe the concept is that I don't want to deal with/manage without you. I told you that I accepted that this is where I am now, that it won't always be like this.

- I brought up that I liked having only one day between sessions. You asked if it was possible if I'd want to switch to Tues & Thursday. I said that I had thought about it but wasn't sure. I said that I didn't know how it would make this weekend feel even though it was the same time between sessions as always. You asked about morning verse late afternoon. I talked about the plus/minuses of both. I said how in the morning, after session it took me a while to get going on my day. And we talked about me walking or busing to work after session, more about logistics around it. I said that we'd see next week as I'll be seeing you again next Thursday morning. I don't know about switching, staying or much really.

- Talked about next week and how I'd be seeing the couple's counselor Wednesday night and then you Thursday morning. You asked me about my thoughts. I shrugged, I don't know. I said part of me wants to get it over and part of me is resigned about it all. I said that it would take 2-3 sessions just to get the story out.

- Talked about how wife and I have gotten to an interesting place of walking around the landmines for now. You asked about specifics here. I tried to answer and felt I wasn't doing a very good job of it. I did finally come up with something. I told you that wife and I had talked about her going and seeing a therapist and her reasons why she thought both of us in therapy at the same time would be detrimental to our relationships. Her largest argument was about the time investment I have done and how if she was to put in that amount of time, then who or how would household responsibilities get completed. I made the comment that when I made household responsibilities a priority, wife thought I was leaving her. You said something about feeling like a no win situation. That's for sure. I told you that wife has kind of latched onto the concept that the issues are due to both of us being in peri-menopause. I'm not so sure that is it.

- We talked about my sleep issues and possibly being related to menopause. Talked about increasing my Testosterone to suppress my estrogen even further. You agreed that menopause can cause issues with sleep. You suggested I talk to my Endo doc.

- I told you about this being the last month of personal training. You were like what??? I said that it was already planned to be my last month with the surgeries; however, I had decided to not return afterwards. I said there were several reasons, the time involvement and the money. And I'm tired of... then I stopped talking. I looked at the ground. Tears. I couldn't say the words. Waited, paused... some tears. You asked or said hard to talk about. I think I nodded. I still didn't say anything. I don't remember if I showed you the picture first or if I finally said that I couldn't control it (my eating). The picture was of the food/drink I bought this morning for breakfast. We talked about food for a while, I was upset. You were talking quietly, sometimes it was hard to hear you over the noise in my head. I finally asked if we could stop talking about this. You said yes.

- We talked about lots of different things around depression, and my current state. You asked me about medications and if I wanted you to take over prescribing/med management for me. I said I didn't care who managed it, then I said I didn't know how it would be different. You said that we'd talk about things like we are now and that you'd ask more specifically about what I was putting in my body... the more you talked about this the less comfortable I was about you taking over medication management for me. Right now I don't want to admit the truth of everything to you. I got the feeling that it would be bad right now if you were to ask me questions about my eating, drinking, over the counter medications... just in general "prying". You mentioned about me increasing my Welbutrin a while back for a bit and how it seemed to provide relief. I said that it did. I don't remember if you asked, if I told you, or if we just understood that I was no longer supplementing my prescribed dosage. You asked about me contacting my PCP and asking for a higher dose. I made the comment that I didn't need to do that, that I could just increase the dosage. You wanted to know how I had extra pills. You asked if I skipped dosages. I said that remember when I first came to see you and I had stopped taking it because of going to school. We talked a little about dosages. At one point you asked me if that was my exit strategy. I paused and refused to answer. I then said that the internet says it is not a very good way to go. You asked something else, and I again repeated that the internet said it isn't a very good way to go. I added this time that I have enough pills if I wanted to. I don't skip dosages intentionally or without purpose. There are times where I do forget. Do you really want to know how much I have? I don't want to tell you.

- Things during this part of the conversation were random. I said that I wished the world would just stop spinning for a bit. You brought up the comment from previous session about wanting some time off. I told you about the schedule for the upcoming few weeks; one of them being game night. You asked if I could cancel game night. I said something about being too late. You asked if I would cancel if I had food poisoning. I said that it wasn’t going to be canceled and you let it drop. I get your point though about treating the depressive state the same as an illness.

- I said that I want to hurt myself. You asked if I have been. I didn't answer. You asked if I meant more than food and alcohol. I didn't answer, but looked right at you (thinking back maybe even defiantly). I think I nodded my head a little. You asked me what I was doing. I didn't answer. You talked about wanting the pain to make it go away. I said that it didn't work - make emotional pain. I said that I did it to feel something; it worked for that but is short lived. You asked about one part of me not wanting to cause pain. All I kept thinking was how much more pain I wish I would cause.

- Our time was up and I reminded you that you were going to look up dates for me. We kept talking. We talked about safety. You asked if I could keep the little boy safe. I shook my head no and started crying again. I said that I don't feel him, can't find him. I said that he is scared. I told you that I could keep myself alive, mostly safe. More stuff said here. I couldn't do the closing yet. You got up to get me the dates and I looked up the stuff on my phone. You gave me the dates, I relayed to you information regarding the presentation on menopause.

- Talked about seeing you on Monday and Thursday nights with football... and that I had looked at there were no Vikings - Packers games on either night. You said something about not being able to watch the games. Joked about yeah, meeting at McMenamins. I brought this up to lighten the mood before I left.

- I went through the ending ritual. I said I love you. You said I know. I said I was scared/he was scared, you said I know. We talked more here, thank you/sorry. I said something about needing to internalize it – the I love you. You said something about me keep saying it, that you would keep responding. I don’t remember exactly what you said here. You said we’d get there/I’d get there. You said I had this. You said I was wonderful. I chuckled at that, with my thoughts being are you sure. You said several statements of affirmation – you thanked me for being me, for coming. I thanked you for being here. I didn’t want to go.. dammit I didn’t want to go . I knew I needed to go. I didn’t want to go. I told you I love you again, this time a whisper. You replied with I know. I did eventually make it up and to the door. I left, sad.