So, I am having an internal civil war. I am desperately attached to my T right now and I need to talk to him in a session. This is nothing new. However, I am intensely angry bordering on rage at the same time. I feel split in the middle. I have NO idea how to handle this. T tells me to journal, to watch T.V. I called T and asked for an extra appt. after my session Wed. and he said he had new clients and no sessions available. This was after he took two weeks, one of them he couldn't help. But my emotions don't care about reasons or whatever.

I don't know how to deal with this. I am SO intensely attached to my T, I am So intensely angry at T. I need him to help me through this. I am angry because he can't see me again, I get it intellectually, but NOT emotionally. HOW in the **** am I supposed to deal with all of this attachment feeling and angry vitriole? WTF? We never talked about this. I now have to wait until Wesdnesday to see him. UGH.

I have never been so upended, so ungodly angry. It feels like T doesn't care, while my stupid needy part wants to see him anyway. I hate that part. I hate my anger. I am intensely enraged at my T right now, I feel like the last on the list. I feel like I'm having a brain attack (vs. heart attack) and no one is taking me to the hospital. Nobody ****ing cares.

I have journaled, etc., walked, etc., nothing helps. T is nowhere to be found. I am really hurt by this. I can't help it. I'm not purporting to be rational. He didn't warn me of how intense this is. HOw do I deal with having an angry ego state present and a child state present who both want their needs met, but have different needs. I despise that I am at the mercy of someone else. I despise that I am at the mercy of myself. I haven't chose this.

How in the **** do I deal with these two intense states? I resent having to go this on my own, as irrational as it may be, as I am not a therapist and don't have a clue as to what to do. This is intense and unforgiving. In between the intensities comes the need to cry a river because I just can't deal. How do I reach a shade of gray between the fighting factions.??

I have no hope left. This weekend I am going to take Ativan and sleep the whole time, which enrages me that I have to do this. I ****ing hate life. I don't want to care.

Here are my irrational, unfair issues with T that I can't help but feel:
New clients? Fine, but I pay him on time, ahead of time, and have been there longer. I feel like I've been set aside.

He seems oblivious to when he ends up having to take a session off, oblivious to how it might affect me. like he took a vacation week and then had no choice but to stay a week longer due to the weather. I FEEL liked making a permanent second appointment with him so I don't have to deal with this BS because he sure as hell isn't here to help me. YEs, he allows me to text and I appreciate that. Maybe I'll do that. Who knows? I'm so freakin miserable. blah blah blah