Anymore, the only things I am comfortable doing is isolating or going to the gym. I worked traffic to help with the county for an event yesterday and didn't even hang around after, when everyone just goes for coffee/sodas/whatever and gets to know each other better. I went, got my intersection, took a vest and radio, went to intersection, reported, blocked on command, reported, unblocked and reported cleared, returned vest and radio, and left before anyone else came back. I just wanted to do my part and go. I don't feel comfortable around others, even though I know some of them. The fact that about half are law enforcement unsettled me even though I wasn't up to anything or being hunted for anything. I've done lots to be hunted for but they have no idea. Nothing beyond bad driving and pissing people off for adrenaline, I assure you.
I get up today, and isolate.
I won't get gym time today but maybe walking/running late in the evening.
I'll get up super early and be at the gym by 7 so I can workout before yoga at 9.
I talk to the instructors to greet them and say "bless you and thank you" and I always answer honestly to how I'm doing. I'm not a pleasantries person. Ask and you'll probably know too much. The really good instructors just know from looking at me anyway, even if I'm in child's pose. I'll sometimes but only briefly speak with other students and have kind of started to loosen up around them, even though I've seen must of them in class since I started in January. There was one student at yoga that I felt intensely drawn to, the first time I saw her. Not romantic, just an "I gotta meet this person now!" oddness which I have only felt twice before in my life, one of which was my best friend that I miss dearly, the other committed suicide the following week. She hasn't returned. I suppose I creeped her out sufficiently.
Going to try to meditate in a bit, but I'm already teary, and my body cries most of the time I'm in meditation, and I have no control over it. I accept it and allow it to happen.
My heart hurts for wanting to be better around others but my mind just screams that I need to stay distant because I'll mess it up somehow.
I have only drank twice this year but really am starting to feel the desire today. I know that's putting emotions into substances but I'm just not coping well.
I've had kava/kratom blend teas twice already and snuck in some caffeine earlier just so I felt like I could cook for my parents and sister. Caffeine sometimes is a courage thing for me. BTW, MiO energy tastes horrid without water.
Practice here is impossible because the distractions are constant, mom always needs something urgently, even if it's to find the remote that's laying right where she left it, on her belly. Thanks for reading this and if you've got suggestions let me know please.