Last night my husband and I had a talk. The conversation was about my moving out and why. The subject of kindness came up. Simple kindness. Not the question of whether I love him, or whether he loves me, or how that love is defined and acted upon, but kindness.

I told him that I felt that kindness is very important. I try very hard to be kind to people. It's something that regardless of how you feel about someone you can always do.
I told him that the world can be a wonderful place, and it can also be very harsh, and that people do the best they can in it. You never know what burdens are carried, or how heavy or light a heart is. But kindness makes those burdens just a little lighter. It opens doors and lends a hand. It gives the person acceptance. Even if it is just a simple smile. He said that he knew it was important to me. He said that I am a very kind person. He acknowledged that.

I told him that I needed kindness. I needed it for me. I needed people in my life that are kind. Kindness is what makes a home safe and secure regardless of what is crisis is happening. Its what helps the people in the home go forward not blaming each other for the crisis, but supporting to work toward resolution. I told him I don't receive kindness in my home. I don't feel safe, I don't feel accepted. I told him that I have a few friends in my life that are very kind - and they receive kindness as well. I told him that I need that. I need people in my life that are kind.

He said that he understood. He realizes that he is not kind to me. Even on good days, he is not kind. On those days he is not brutal either, but there is nothing given. He is just in the house.

It occured to me that this is the first time I have given myself PERMISSION to have kindness in my life. For the first time I am acknowledging to myself that I need it, that it doesn't matter whether I deserve it or not, I need it. And I do deserve it. I deserve to be treated like a human being. Not like an ill trained animal. It also occured to me that I have made choices for unkindness because I didn't take the responsibility of choosing people for my life that are kind. I only chose to be kind. I never looked at the other side of it. I often chose people that NEED kindness. . .but cannot return it. They can receive it, but cannot give it. I didn't look at both sides, I only looked at what I was willing to give, not what I needed for myself in return.

Today I will choose my friends wisely and carefully. I have recently made some very good choices. They are kind, and they receive kindness well. I will not choose just to be kind. I will choose to receive it. I give myself permission.

Bethanna