I'm aquaintences with my immediate family, even the ones I live with. I got to a point where I was just tired of being hurt by them too and just never trusted them again. My one truest friend ever drank herself to death and I've never connected with anyone on that level, before or after. The second closest friend I had moved away and got busy and that was it. We haven't spoken in years even though I've tried a few times. She's always busy. I had a third that I thought was a special relationship, then I feel in love with her, but she didn't feel the same. Eventually I saw her for a lot more than I did initially. She's a closet narcissist, appearing concerned and helping but doing it so people will praise her the whole time and becoming very nasty when they don't.
I no longer want a lover, I really don't care about sex any more. I just want a connection with someone on a deep emotional and spiritual level. I'm not finding it but I'm afraid to look