First, I narrowed down my choices based on the type of therapy I wanted. I knew I wanted a psychodynamically oriented therapist and not a behavioral therapist (CBT, DBT, whatever, as long as it had the word "behavioral" in it, I avoided it).

Then I called/emailed a bunch of therapists and made appointments with them. Ultimately, you can't know if someone is right for you until you see them in real life.

One thing I've learned is that I can tell during the first session if someone is *not* a good fit. If I don't like them during our first session, it's never going to go anywhere. I used to stick around for 2-4 sessions to see if things improve. That was a total waste of time. Things never improved.

HOWEVER, just because they seem great during the first session doesn't mean they are actually good. I've had experiences where a therapist seemed awesome at first but turned out to not be so great (lack of competence and narcissism).

Once you find a good therapist, have faith in them (and in yourself) and don't give up! There will be conflict. Sooner or later, you'll hit an impasse. There will be pain, anger, and confusion. But you can work through all of it with a good therapist.

This is why it's so important to be able to distinguish between true red flags (i.e., signs that someone is either incompetent or unethical) and challenges that arise in the normal course of therapy. Google the "Scarsdale Psychotherapy Self-Evaluation." You may find it helpful. (I still can't post links, or I'd link to it.)