I went into a weird disassociative state yesterday. Kind of long story....

Yesterday the sky was blue and the birds were singing. I'm on the patio drinking coffee. life was good.

Then the phone rang...My mother in law took a fall and her head was bleeding. Husband and i rushed over to her house. It was a bad gash on her head and her hip hurt. We took her to the hospital where she got 9 staples in her head. They also kept her in the hospital because her sodium was low. That could have caused the dizziness and thus the fall. We were there 6 hours until they got her in the room.

Eventually we went home. My husband grabbed some food and a shower and went back to the hospital. He came home 8 hours later later and asked me what i did all day. I have NO idea I don't remember if I ate, or napped, watched TV??....I could have been firing cannons or bungee jumping off the roof. I don't remember anything....

I think the situation with my MIL brought back traumatic feelings from a horrifying situation with a previous MIL. She was dying of cancer andher kids decided to keep her at home. OUR home not their home. They didn't want to pay to keep her in a hospice. I ended up being her primary care giver. She was in constant agony, but her kids didn't want her on pain meds because they are "addictive" She would scream and cry and call my name and beg for God to take her so she wouldn't have to suffer. I tried comfort her as best I could and begged for them to help her to no avail.

At the end they finally agreed to put her in the hospital. they put her in a room by herself and she died alone. I saw her face just after she died and her eyes were open and her mouth was wide open in a silent scream. It didn't look like she died peacefully in her sleep.

I'm in mortal terror of going through something like again. My husband knows this and keeps reassuring me. He says "baby, I promise you that we won't put you through this again." I feel kind of selfish, but I know I cant do it. He and his brother assure me that they will take care of their mother and will abide by her wishes in her living will that she does not want to be kept alive at any cost if she is suffering.

Well that's the end of my long story for now. Thank you for listening.