So I beat him to the office. I suspected that was his car, but now I have confirmation. I ended up being able to get in through the unlocked door in the courtyard. Went in after using the restroom and grabbed a box of tissues to put in my lap. He laughed. "What's wrong?" I told him I'd already cried today, I just wanted to be prepared. That led into a quick conversation about Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts while he processed my payment.

He asked me why I had cried when we got started. I received a message on PC this morning that upset me. Well, the message was only mildly upsetting, but the reflection that I did as a result of the message was difficult. It's difficult to be open and vulnerable with others, but I'm making a concerted effort.

Then talked about work for a while. How I feel like an imposter at work. That my administrators have all this trust in me, and I don't feel like I've earned it. Unsurprisingly, I feel like a terrible teacher. I feel like a terrible everything. I also said that I was probably chosen for my current role because I'm the only person crazy enough to do it. He asked me to think about things from my administrator's perspective. How have they said or demonstrated that I'm capable? I said that the administration has given my coteacher and me a ton of autonomy to implement what we think will work. RoboT said that shows a lot of trust in my abilities. I agreed. Doesn't change the imposter feeling, though. That they trust me when they shouldn't.

At some point toward the end of that conversation I grabbed the pillow next to me and curled up with it. "What's wrong?" he asked. I said I don't feel well. I'm hormonal, which led to a brief update about fertility stuff. That yet again I'm putting myself through hell for the greater good. RoboT clicked his tongue at me and said, "no, you stand to get something you want. The baby." I said that I'm not hopeful that I'll get pregnant. I haven't had much success in the past. He said he understood.

He asked if that was the only thing wrong physically. I said no, I was also hungover. He laughed and we talked about my dinner last night. He seemed happy that I was able to have like, authentic bonding with friends. I don't talk about my friendships much with him.

He asked if dinner last night was the only thing on the agenda this weekend. Yes, I have a lot of errands to run. I'm even writing this post whilst waiting for my oil to be changed. I wanted a couple of days of downtime since I won't have any downtime next weekend. He asked why, which annoyed me. "I'm going to NYC, RoboT." He was surprised. "You are?! When are you leaving?" Next Saturday, I said. "Oh, so you're not coming in next week?" No, and we discussed this. "That's right, now it's coming back to me. We texted about this before my vacation."

That made me angry because it was a reminder of a time that he didn't do what he said he would. Then I rolled my eyes and said texting him or him texting me made me mad. I told him I was upset last night when he hadn't texted me. Here was his response:

Yesterday was crazy, and after I left here I had this late dinner. Got home from dinner, was taking out the trash and realized that I hadn't texted for Saturday. So I come inside and picked up my phone to start texting when you texted me. I thought it was odd, because you're usually so good about appointments.

I laughed. I had left my calendar at school, along with my entire teaching bag in protest. I'm not working this weekend. And then the more I drank at dinner, the fuzzier the details got. "Wait, so you drunk texted me?"
I nodded and he laughed.

He started to ask a couple more questions about my trip next weekend. What were my plans? I shrugged. I figure H will plan something. RoboT asked if that was the norm. I said no, but it is for my birthday and our anniversary. "Oh, when is your birthday?" I told him it's in a week. He paused and said he'd remembered that conversation as well. That we're both Virgos. But that astrology was stupid. I agreed and groaned. Why did astrology make me angry he asked. My biological mother is huge into astrology.

So that's what we talked about for the rest of the session: bio mom. Last week he was trying to recommend for me to write her a letter, and I said I already had. I read it last week and told him I didn't care for it now. That it was too nice. Too apologetic. I don't want to be hateful to my mother, but I also deserve to be able to air my grievances about her as a parent. That I felt two conflicting emotions: guilt for being petulant in not being willing to accept her efforts to reach out, and anger that she'll likely never be able to take ownership of how her actions affected me.

He started to verbally "rough draft" another version of the letter to her. To acknowledge her reaching out, but also set some ground rules to open up communication again. He said he did it and that I should let it percolate in my subconscious.

I said that part of me really liked the letter: the guilt. The anger wants to continue to be petulant. Then he paused, and I was convinced that he was going to bust out the Evil Chair. He didn't, but instead made reference to our work with it in the past. That ultimately I was going to have to make a choice. Either forgive her or make her take accountability for her actions. The longer I waffle in between like I am, the more turmoil it'll cause for me. He said that normally he doesn't like talking about those type of things from such an intellectual place, but that he thought I was far enough along that it was okay.

That was about the end. He asked a few more questions about the trip that I couldn't answer. We have nothing planned. That I was trying to be spontaneous, which he said is probably really good for me.

I told him I was going to deface Trump Tower somehow. This made him laugh very loudly. I knew it would.