Thankyou for your replies.

My therapist and my care coordinator both tell me that things will get better and therapy will become less intense (although nobody can tell me when) and that I'll only move forward if I continue with therapy. I'm getting it through the NHS, so I didn't get to choose which type of therapy or my therapist. It was a case of 'Here's your therapist, you get a year of psychodynamic.' I had to really jump through hoops to get any psychotherapy at all. I don't think it's possible to change therapists and I don't know if I'd want to anyway. I keep being told it gets worse before it gets better.

When I was assessed for therapy, I didn't have a bipolar or a BPD diagnosis, although those were in the pipeline, so I suspect they had been told by my CPN that those diagnoses were probably on the way. I was diagnosed with depression and GAD then. They were aware of some emotional neglect, terrible self esteem, some issues with food and teenage issues with self harm, but since starting therapy a lot of trauma stuff has come up, some physical abuse and possible sexual abuse. All this trauma stuff came up by session 7. Because its all free association (my understanding is that is how psychodynamic works) I just splurged so much out so quickly, thinking the sooner I get it all out, the sooner I'll get 'better'
Even that was hard and I haven't really gone into much detail. Some sessions I freeze a lot and it'll take me 10 minutes to say anything, numerous times. Once I seemed to lose 20 minutes although I'm not sure if that actually happened or I just lost track of time. There was one session when I left the dissociation was pretty intense and the corridor seemed to stretch out in front of me. A lot of the time I can't remember what we discussed in session, I know the general topics but I find it very hard to remember specifics. I've told her that too and she said it's because I'm not really there and I've zoned out. She doesn't do anything to zone me back in - as far as I'm aware.

My therapist doesn't offer any practical support, nothing like grounding techniques or anything CBT like (I have done CBT previously) but I do have a care coordinator who I'm currently seeing weekly who does go through different coping mechanisms with me. Therapist did ask if I'm still seeing her this week and I said I was. I think she thought that was a good thing, she said that it's very different seeing the care coordinator and seeing her.

I have been very unstable since starting therapy and my eating problems have intensified, I have had strong urges to self harm (although I haven't) and definite suicidal urges. I've even had contact with the crisis team for the first time ever. My care coordinator keeps trying to get me to agree to allowing her to refer me back to the crisis team. My therapist knows all of this, because I've told her. I'm assuming she has access to my notes as well. She either hasn't said anything or I can't remember because I've zoned out.

I don't have any other options for therapy as there is no way I can afford to go private. I don't want to give up now and be left in the state I'm currently in, and I am hopeful it will improve because that's what everyone is telling me. I'm just finding it so hard to manage right now. I've had 2 weeks off work since starting which has pushed me further down in my sickness policy at work, this mad dissociation which is new as far as I'm aware and a couple of what I assume to be panic attacks and weeks of depression. I said to my therapist this week that I can't continue with this and it's seriously causing me problems in my ability to function in the real world. She said that she could see that and that it would improve and that it's a slow process. I said that I can't handle being around people right now so she suggested I tell my husband I need some alone time, which I have.

I dread going to see her every week. I've told her I feel like I've opened more and more boxes each week and that now I have all these boxes open and I'm screwed. That's when she suggested talking about lighter things for a while, maybe something that's happened in my week that has caused me some emotion.

I have wondered if this is the right kind of therapy for me or if she's the right therapist for me, but I don't have any other options and she tells me it will get better. I don't know. I just feel like it's making everything so much worse, but I'm told that is what happens and it'll get better.