This sounds awful. It sounds exactly like the things my h said to me. You're right, you can't defend yourself. There's no point. I got to the point where I would just sit silently and take whatever he said to me, then when he was done and had left me alone, I would cry. And if he hadn't gone to jail, he'd probably still be here doing the same things over and over. It's hard to leave. I get it. But I'm sure you'd like to, right? You're so tired of hearing the same **** day after day and feeling like you can't do anything right and walking on eggshells. It's really, really hard. I hope it helps to know that other people know what you're going through.

I think you said earlier that you didn't have a local DV resource. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support) and just talk to someone. I don't recommend their online chat, it felt like talking to customer service, but YMMV.

Has he ever threatened you physically? If he has, take those threats seriously. If you want, I can share my story about my husband's threats towards me and what the police crisis negotiator said to me.

Please try to talk to your therapist about this stuff. It's going to destroy you. I know from experience. I feel destroyed.