I guess I feel like there is a different aspect to the online me than there is to the in person me. Emailing him is about sharing some of the online me. It is really important to me. And... He doesn't seem to know how to respond to emails. Really doesn't have the hang of it at all. I do believe he is trying... But he says things like 'I'm not sure what is needed' or 'I don't really know what to say'. It just... Isn't working out so well with the emails.

I don't think I have inundated him with them. Maybe some of them have been a bit long... I think it is more that he simply doesn't respond to most of them, though, and then I blew up at him about that. And so he promised that he would email me back. So I took another risk with emailing him. And then he didn't email me back. And last time I disclosed something to him by email he responded just to say 'I'm sick so I'll probably have to cancel tomorrow's session'. I feel like I've given him plenty of chances. And he has blown most of them. And when I'm feeling badly... If I don't get a helpful response then I just feel worse than if I hadn't emailed him at all. I know he is asking me for another chance. I guess I just don't think that he knows what to do with that chance.

I don't really like to talk about the stuff that I email in person. I don't expect that he knows what to make of that... He seemed to come to the view that it was better that I email him that stuff than not communicate it to him at all. But he still seems to view email communications as somehow second rate.

Sorting... Sorting the 'better' from the 'worse' forms of communication.
Sorting the 'light conversation' from the 'real work'.

Why can't he just see where things end up and leave it open? Why can't he just leave it open that something that HE thinks is light might actually be something that is significant and meaningful to me? Why can't he just leave it open that something that HE thinks is significant might actually be me putting on a performance to make him happy?

I do like him really. I'm just feeling... Frustrated.

I'm not sure about the self harm thing. Bob said it might be a form of self-harm, funnily enough. My posting on the boards while blocked. I thought it might be about taking some form of control. Like how my mother would blow up at some point most evenings. I could wait with trepidation... Or I could do something to trigger her off so I would be all prepared and so I'd get to relax after she had gone off and calmed down some. Better to be blocked for what I do understand then blocked out of the blue when I don't see it coming.

I guess I need to... Teach him how to email. Show him how. The trouble is that he isn't really giving me anything to work with.

He seems to think it is about compiling a letter-like response. And that is hard work, it surely is. He doesn't seem to see that you can

> quote a bit

And then just insert the odd remark. Typical therapist remarks like 'does that remind you of xxx' or 'that sounds like the time you did y'. or even 'I see what you are saying' or 'that must be hard'.

He doesn't seem to see that he can do that. Maybe if he got the hang of that then emails wouldn't seem so overwhelming.

I dunno. Just feel fed up sometimes.
I don't want him to be inadequate
But sometimes he does seem...
Bumbling
Oblivious
A little bit stupid.
Or something.

:-(